I hate this part

because I keep trying to make you into something for me you just aren't 

and i love you in ways i thought were make believe

but i'm not thinking anymore

it's endangering my heart

Don't worry about getting lost inside, it's no better out here. The answers aren't out there, even if you have to go there to get it

Would you trade in your brilliantly beautiful disaster of a mind for a 'normal' life?

I'll try for hours to find the exact words to say that can relieve your pain
But know it's because of the time I spent crafting them and not the actual words that means anything

Would you even notice

If I disappear?

I don't want TRY when it comes to loving you, I knew the moment I saw you I would never forget you

Sometimes the title is the most important part

...

The day always feels like night
And night, it never feels like home
This was redundant long ago
Now there's just endless stories flashing dark
Behind sightless eyes

(I really don't believe in absolutes as much as they are in the things I write)

It's not just for one girl, each one brought me to this place, I miss them all because they are the parts of me I lost

I was wrong

Which isn't so surprising

But it hurts just the same

Not all of this means something but all of it explodes from that silent part of me, and I have so many things I'll never say out loud, but I can scream my anthem with calloused warn fingers, it's the running pressure to give my pen a voice that leaves me scrambling for validation, I'm hiding in a triple word score, proof that there's value twined in my heart.

I want to show you the ocean

When you don't know me anymore, know I'll hear the hint of you in wind and waves, and I'll feel your breath in the rush of a swing, regrets only exist with memory, so don't look back, it's the existence of more that keeps us searching, paint me the words to tattoo the sky, let go of the stars I chased for you, use the rope's scars around my neck as caution marks of withered faith, Hope is off chasing a phoenix of gold, and she's fingering the whole in your heart

does regret exist for something you know you're going to do? 

Remember that time you were falling in love with your favorite band for the first time

In that moment I knew

I didn't know what I knew

But I knew it

How did you miss it all

The things entrenched in everything I am

It is like a glaring beacon that is painfully bright

Truth is I think you do know

But can't shine in return

And I stay because I know you need a friend

More then anything else right now

And I know that is one thing I can excel at

There's a hope, there's a dream and there's a fantasy. I don't know which one to chase and I don't know how to follow all three or even two at once and really I'm just tired of not knowing and knowing I never will. I'm tired of not doing what I want and there's many things I claim are standing in the way but the only real thing stopping me is, me. I'm scared of so many things and it has raveled into a paralyzing position of indecision. When I close my eyes at night I create worlds with what I would do with just one genie wish and even then I can't figure it out. Because I don't want to look back and regret what I left behind but at the rate I'm going I'm just being nostalgic about what I never had.

Your words can't hold me together anymore

I can't tell what you want from this

I doubt that even you can

There's no going back to before

and I still fantasize about futures but I don't believe anymore

There's effort in place now

I'm biting down on those words like I haven't said them a thousand times

I need them to mean something to someone

I've told them all

But none have honestly said it back

I'm deflecting for you

Hanging on to my facade 

But I'm still shattering into pieces

Crumbling into sand

I love you

No matter how fucked up you think you are

No matter how fucked up I think we are

That is all there is

I feel like I'm vibrating at such high levels everything is slipping through

All I wanted from you was to love me back

And I will never again believe you do 

I guess even I produce expectations impossible to live up to

I'm not above it no matter how high my horse

That's how a tragedy goes I suppose

Does expressing love mean anything

When you doubt the functionality of a heart

I don't like the words as much as when I'm writing them for you

Tell me how something so easy becomes this hard
Do you remember all the love songs I wrote where you starred
It's hard fighting against believing I've never know how that word feels

The feeling not the words

I could use the words to express the feeling

If I knew what exactly I was feeling

Words ramble out but are they ever anything more then what I want to be true

I've been writing as a way to search

And try to reveal who I am

But how do I know if that is expressed with any accuracy

Yet I still feel so exposed

And I struggle sometimes to put it out there 

Even while trying to hide

But there is something painful that you never come looking

I can rhyme and symbolize and describe

But it's all for show

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing 

And I feel like a fuck up on most days 

But I still want you to love me

There's a selfishness about that that is nowhere near pretty/beautiful

And they say that doesn't belong in true love

But I'm in the middle of thinking they don't know what the fuck they're talking about

And maybe that makes these words as honest as any

She's beautiful
And there's moments you can tell confident enough to know
But then there's all the other times you tell her out loud because the look in her eyes says she doesn't hear it enough

She doesn't laugh but she smiles with mirth
And her eyes shine brighter with all the times she uses her wit to cause laughter in others
But how her eyes are brightest every time she looks at you that way

She's all those things you discovered you wanted in those moments before sleep and forgot to remember at the sound of the beep
She's the taste at 1:47 in the morning, of cigarettes and whiskey and falling asleep with a foot on the ground
She's fiery passion about the mistreatment of a million people she'll never meet
She's her favorite band on repeat

She is the endless silent road wrapping windy around the coast chasing thoughts around her head
She is the major export of her city and state
She is the time on the clock with her good morning kiss plus the rush of her touch against trembling skin

I've met so many people

The ones I like

Annoying ones

Familiar ones

Crazy ones

There are the ones that love me

The ones that can't stand me

The strangers I pass with a nod as I come home

The eager little ones that want to play

The oldest people just wanting someone to listen, passing parts of themselves on to future generations

Evil people, there's less than you think but more than you know

I've met sad people

And lonely people

The confused and hurting people

So many people come and gone, a few that have stayed

And the only thing they all have in common is 

they are not 

You

You are the easiest part of me

And that seems so strange looking at our history 

Everything that has been anything but easy between us

Yet that doesn't change that out of the limitless things I don't know or understand

You being in my life is my future

And I'm not sure about destiny or meant to be

I just know that there will always be a me for you

And a you for me

In whatever way that comes I become content

Love comes in many forms

And we lose so much focused on the love of lovers

We forget

The unconditional bond of two people committed to each other

That need, not to be complete or whole

But to find freedom in that connection 

And romantic love is easy to identify and label

But not many know how to make love to someone without any physical contact

Without need of sexual context at all

  

It grows roots

And you don't really know how it happened 

But now you can't remember anything else

Those things I can't say out loud

Because I don't know how

Or because I'm scared

Or because of the timing

Always the fucking timing 

It slips out sometimes

I almost say fuck it and let it all go

But I reel it back in

Don't wait until it turns into 'too late'