I just need to get away from you for awhile

I spent days trying to convince myself not to call you

It's all a trick

I loved you so much
But not enough to know how to be happy

I'm so afraid that the lazy words of I love you stripped from my tongue
Are not enough to keep the blade from your skin

You're still looking for the words to save you
No matter how fake they rasp off my tongue

Like and Other Four Letter Words

Love. And fuck, both roar and bare. Mind. Body. MINE. Fate. Feel. Deep, as in, side. Jump at your whim. Mate. Date. Pain, the good kind. Bend over knee. Take, home. Live. Pair. Rain with bows and move of the ment. Fast beat, slow burn. Want. Need. Bite. Hard. Hand in Hand. Jail plus bait. Sins. The fall. Long time to come, Keep. Beat that.

I stayed a long time, waiting for you to come back around for me
I gave up the things I once used to describe myself
I forgot what I was hoping for
And you showed up again like not a day had passed since you left me stranded
And I realized you never had plans to return again
I guess there was a pleasure I developed in thinking you were suffering with me
More then I actually cared that you were gone

If only you could see how many times you still show up in my life to this day and I'd beg you to leave if I thought you still listened.

I won't become bitter

And I won't blame because there's no winner here

It's just time to move on

And that's okay

Because this did mean some thing once

You will always be my taste of the rainbow

And I'll always care

Just from a distance now

I don't think I deserve to be the one that cries anymore

It's just routine now

And I don't know how to explain that 

Sometimes I understand intimately all the directions your mind flows

Then there are the times you make no sense that I can compare to

We're not this or that

And fuck you 

But don't ever stop loving me

Please 

I need reassurances you don't know how to give

They were seeing her through my eyes of love

Didn't you know?

I do understand you

Maybe not completely 

Not in every way

But better then the ways you think 

We can't just redo the way we were

And we never knew how to be anything different

You taste so good

I can retreat back into you without a thought

Yet I know you use my shelter because you're scared of what's out there

Not because that's where you want to be

And I encourage that because I crave the hero attention

Which isn't fair to you because you don't need a savior

Just the confidence of what you have inside

I didn't hold back honesty, just made up my own versions

And I don't think you've ever told me truths, just things you thought I wanted

We are this

Just this

And you are deep inside me

In ways left unnamed

But I'm still searching for the broken pieces of me to paste back together

You're the watching of my favorite movie on worn out VHS tape
The static during the opening scene
Familiar in it's imperfection
You ingrained yourself into the replay value of my memories

You're the passage from the book with dogeared edges and wrinkled pages
I stared down the words as goose bumps raised my flesh, mouthing every word

You're the playing of that lonely album
I never learned an instrument or how to hit a vocal high
But give me an hour and I'll feel out every chord, sound out every note
You dance in my dreams to the pounded out sounds

You're the scrape of this pen, the tap of these keys
As I manipulate thoughts to paper
Rushing of emotion aimed at a point
Journals full of things labeled 'you'

You're hiding in every outlet I have
Escape just binds me closer to you

Double Play

I've know there's something about you since you first came along

And I spent a long time trying to tame the urge to shout it out to everyone I met

But I am selfish

I didn't want people to know all the things you are

Because they would take you away from me

And I wanted so bad to keep you

I'm sorry

All eyes are staring at the clown in me

But they're seeing this smile upside down

You can't see behind this painted on image

Is it funny now?

I'm losing the parts of you in my life
Slowly you fade into whispers of moments I'm not sure happened
And the realisation comes I don't know you anymore
I'm losing my grip which I once held so tight
Easing the cramps from my fingertips
I can hear the silence of shouts that don't penetrate anymore
I'm losing the ache I held so dear
Thinking it somehow made us more
You always seemed happier in my heart

I've sat with a pen in my hand for hours trying to create something that makes me worth it
Because once in my life little scrapes of paper kept me afloat
And maybe I wanted to remind myself that is possible
So what does it mean when I can't even be honest with a piece of paper
I'm in need of obsessive reassurances
And I can't find enough ways to say 'fuck you'

There's a chasm in my chest splintering the parts of me I want to be
And I'd throw a rope to the other side if you'd just find the time to secure it to something steady
Give me the chance to find the balance to walk the tightrope back and forth between both sides
It's such a deadly crawl when I use the empty riverbeds below

My writing doesn't reveal truths
But layers them in lies

You are the shout into the canyons around me
I can feel you echoing everywhere

I watch the clocks like there's a race being ran
And maybe there is but I can't find the starting line
Everyone is sprinting in different directions
The count of seconds is different relative to my distance from you
The father away I get the more I understand what the ticking was

I don't know how to do this again
But someone keeps picking the single track repeat option
And I still respond to every word
But I'm ready to skip ahead to a different song

With a nod you couldn't see and an answer you don't feel

It was the easy way out

Saying yes to your question

Knowing there'd be no follow through on your part

All this will ever be is words you find late at night

When all I ever wanted from you was something visible in the light 

There's no place for that fairy tale anymore

You keep retelling it though, for reasons I can only interpret as self indulgent

And the days are getting too short for me to believe anymore

Don't get your hopes up for the person who still doesn't realize how bad they hurt you before 

I'm trying to not over think things

Or even think there is a thing

No reading into what I can't confirm

Just let it go as it's going to go

And I'm doing it, fighting against my nature for it

But there is still the thought racing around inside

I miss you still

Stuck in my throat

It stings my heart

The urges to tell you everyday

Falls into nothing but silence

I miss you

"Keep your tongue out of the enemy Teddy"

Yeah

If she asked you would you have been brave

I can't figure out if there's still a question

I wonder if Mother Theresa had regrets

Give me something new to write about

I wonder if anyone ever comes back

"So we're in this bar and I'm talking to this girl. She's really into me and I'm telling her all the things I'm thinking of doing to her and the night is looking good, when this rhino of  a man comes at me ready to spear me with his horn, which now I'm seeing the sexual tension in that comparison and wish I had gone with gorilla and ripping my head off, so this guy has clearly got a problem with me."
"I don't think he liked how you were talking to his girlfriend." Colin supplied
"Or the way she was responding to it." Tech added
"Well how was I to know she had a boyfriend in hearing distance or that he spoke Swedish?"
"She introduced him as her boyfriend." Colin again.
"And we were in Sweden." Tech helped

As much as I have loved before
I know stronger is to come
That both thrills and terrifies me

Trying so hard to be the person I though you wanted, instead of the person you were telling me you needed

Because everything I said wasn't always true

But it was true that I always cared for you

It's not fair because I'm doing my best not to care
I tell myself every night I don't care
But there you are

I will never let you know how many times I cried for things I cannot change

How many times are you going to let them break your heart
In a day, in a week, in a year
Don't give your heart away for free
Don't lock it away hoping for someone to come find it
So many rules for something that when it happens is the easiest thing you'll know
Loving you is the hardest thing I've ever done

How long do I have to fake this for it to be real?

You're sad again
And I'm not supposed to care




But I do...

There's times

Where I have sat in bed for days

Not ready for the answer

I wonder how long we waste 

Afraid of the things we know

And what we could change if we were fearless

I'm not sure if I let go yet
But I'm trying new things
And I'm choosing to be happy
And even if I still think about it, I still think about her,
I'm okay just knowing I once met a girl who gave me butterflies too big to fly
And it's okay that we are going to love on different paths because there is an intersection where I once said hello
And she stayed for awhile

If you're waiting for things to change then follow through

Show them the way

I'm becoming the things you swore I'd never be

Relearning the basics

I once landed on my wrist so hard the bones came jutting out my skin

Only pins could manipulate it back together

There was a rocking chair I held above my head until I dropped it on my face 

A seventy year old hand binned the flesh to a faint scar 

A basketball rolled and every ligament in my right ankle was torn

Plaster held it in place so time could rebuild

On a dare I held my hand flat over a flame to watch a candle burn out

The ointment cooled the charred appendage   

I never cried

Your words burn behind my eyes

Soldering my heart into a straight jacket

I haven't found the doctor with tools to fix that yet

Rushing through seconds

Trying to experience moments

Remember every other breath

Heart skipping to the beat

Not a memory

Or a plan

Life is a combination of feeling

You can never (have/feel) just one

Somebody told me I have a great smile today

It's the first time I've heard that in awhile

I think that means I haven't been smiling all that much lately 

Not the real kind anyway

I feel steady on my own two feet

And it feels good

I'm ready now

You write in visuals
I write in emotion
She writes in theory

Why do the hard things always mean more?

This isn't good
Because I'm flirting with you
And you're flirting back
But there's nowhere to go from here
Yet still I do it
I just like how we are together
Learn from our mistakes
I will not let this go that far
Not again
But still yet I like flirting with you

My life is coded in music

This isn't what I'm meant to be doing
But you
I have never seen anybody meant to be doing something more

And here it is

One day I thought about you and realized I was in love

But see

I thought about you today and I realized that wasn't true anymore

Apparently

It can disappear just like it came

Suddenly and unexpected but a long time coming

You're still beautiful

And I'm still always going to be

One step behind 

The release of thoughts I can't maintain anymore

Doesn't mean much when perfection is only skin deep

there was something flowing in my bones

and i'd like to find words to give it meaning for you

but odds are you wouldn't know it if you heard it

and the things i never understood before are talking in my ear

rearranging fates

forgive me for all the time i didn't know i was waiting for you

i always wondered if you knew

Falling in love is as personal as a fingerprint

The butterflies opened their mouths wide and swallowed me whole
I felt it here, there and everywhere

This is my love song to me

You still think you know it all, that you are right in everything, even now as I'm telling you this. You think I'm wrong. You got this whole thing figured out. You know all the truths and motives and reasons why people do what they do. You're too needy for attention to be anything but selfish. And I believe you love with everything you have but you don't yet know that your everything isn't the only thing that matters. Adult relationships, they aren't about grand gestures and big moments (though they happen). No. It's the everyday little things that add up to mean the most.

If it wasn't for her, it'd be you

You loved me at my worst

And you deserve more then me walking away

But to be a better me

I needed to distance myself from all that I was

And I can't do that with you reminding me of all I'm capable of becoming

You pull it off with such grace and beauty
I wonder if you know the way the world circles at your feet

I have to forget again everyday

Those moments still take my breath away

And I'm putting this here because I think you might be someone that understands letting go of the ropes with the burns of holding on still stinging your hands.  

Truth is I don't know any of my own truths

Yeah you come to mind

I feel it all the time
Yeah you come to mind
Each time I see it
Yeah you come to mind
Whisper it time after time
Yeah you come to mind

You always come to mind
Yeah you come to mind

I should have told you a thousand and two times
But I really only needed you to feel it once

I wanted you to tell me you loved me back
But either way I would have been heartbroken
Because I always knew when you were lying to me

Lost things in my head

To save my heart from reviving that place

I played the radio loud to drown out your sound
Your voice is locked inside my head
Changing my direction just to out run your face

You were a couple of lovers ago, I'm still thinking about you

When you first looked at me, I lived a lifetime in your eyes
(Keeping faith is hard when logic says move on)

They don't write songs about girls from .........
(so/but) this ones for you
(and there's a (light/glow) from your town)
(lights the sky for your smile/keeps my eyes from seeing your smile)
(close my eyes tight (trying) to keep you out/
No matter how (tight) I close them to keep you out)
Your smile is imprinted behind my eyes
Begging you to let me go

Your passion eyes and determined touch
Show me more then this my love
You still belong to me
I'm dying here, thinking of wasted time
Why do you leave (these/this) story unfinished
And there's (no/not a) perfect
But for a moment you were mine
And that was close enough for me

You are my art of getting by

blah blah blahhhhhhhh

I refuse to be sad anymore

Over you

Over her

Over things I somehow think I'm missing out on

Because the reason I'm missing out on them is because I just sit here

I know this and the fact that I'm still here is all on me

Get the fuck up and do something 

Anything

Don't watch as it all goes by when you can be a part of it

That's the only thing to be disappointed about here

Get the fuck over it  

So much changes
I wish my feelings would too
For every girl I still hold onto
Each one for different feelings
What the fuck am I doing

There's all this time
You have nothing left to give
But you still want to give everything to her

I've got a million things to do before I die

I don't have time to be thinking of you like this

Place the things you want inside the emptiness of your cage

Change the view from you seat you've become attached to

I've still got a million things to do before I die

It's not the same

There is no going back and staying the way we are seems tragic

So that leaves moving on

The days pass and it's just easier

There's still things inside, I want to keep them there

But as for everything else...

Falling asleep during the day, when there's proof of life

Alone at night I stay awake

Every time I close my eyes I half believe I won't wake up

I have all the time in the world for you

Unfinished Things

She hates the early mornings
But loves the smell of coffee in the air
She'll tell you a story with faces and voices
But can loose the point somewhere along the way
She makes the whole room laugh
With a straight face and a bottle in her hand
Reads you the poems of Neruda and Cummings
Like they're her own
There's a ring you never gave her
You knew you'd never keep her with a cage

And it's nights like this
When words of her linger in your mind
And every choice you made
How you let her walk away
Memories of the last night
All the firsts she gave you
Feelings you only felt for her

The beaches of California, the streets of New York City
Everywhere you've held her hand
You tasted her lips on a train out of nowhere
(Ended up/got) lost in the hills of another country
You chased her through a park in Northeast Oklahoma (just after noon)
(Got) hidden away in a bed made of sheets (just after noon/in her apartment)
All her dreams she told you
With an accent she whispered in your ear
And you've known since you first saw her
You'll always remember finding that face

And it's nights like this
When words of her linger in your mind
And every choice you made
How you let her walk away
All the first she gave you
The memories of the last night
Feelings you only felt for her

You were her protector at midnight
When the (demons/nightmares) dragged her down
Her faith in her own doubt
Chased away (one) too many chances
(Sometimes) she'd talk to you through sunrise, (just) to avoid (the pain of) waking up
She never let it go, a past that broke her soul 
And all the scars she wears (are/)became the evidence of (her) survival
You're of the few to see her something beyond skin deep
She packaged herself in ribbon and lace

And it's nights like this
When words of her linger in your mind
And every choice you made
How you let her walk away
All the first she gave you
The memories of the last night
Feelings you only felt for her

There's days you have moved on
When silence fills your heart
How the things you chose
Finally let you go
Her last goodbye
Memories of that first kiss
Everything you still feel for her

Always for her

I'm the Dan to her Leo
The Dean to her Logan
A Spike to her Angel
Noel to her Ben

The fill in for things meant to be
A past mocking the future



Fuck I'm showing my age again

When she talks about the distance and being sad about not being able to touch you
Do you know she's talking about your heart not your skin

Didn't you know

Weren't my wordless thoughts enough

My hidden tears and silent sighs

My passive aggressive nature didn't clue you in

Shame on you for not understanding the me I don't let you see

I hate the question 'what's new ' from your lips

There was a time you never asked me that

Because you always knew

I've never really run after a girl

I've tried to get them to stop

I've always told them how I felt

What they mean to me

And I've been heartbroken

And desperate for them to want me back

But I've never gone after them once they go

I think to myself sometimes that one day there will be a girl

The one I lose my pride for 

The one I lose my mind for

The one I make the biggest fool of myself for

The one I stop writing on a hidden blog and expose myself for

The one that overwhelms all my control
And that day I will run with burning lungs until I catch her

And maybe that girl will stay

I loved her enough to let her walk away
You should have loved her enough to stay

The thing is, what is hard to let go of for people like you and me, isn't that they didn't care. It's that they didn't care the way we wanted them too. They didn't show it the way we needed them too. It's never quite so clear as to how they can hurt you so bad and seem to be so untouched by it until the day you mimic them by destroying another's heart. Then something clicks, it was never about you. It was that she was so lost in despising herself at the expense of knowing how to express love.

And the thing is now it's not for her
Now it's not for anyone
You are now doing this for you
Forging your own path and making your own dreams reality
And I am completely amazed by you
I'll never tell you because I don't want to make anything about me
Or bring attention to things of the past
But wow
You are just a beautiful human being in mind, body and strength and spirit
I've always known that

You don't know there is a me in the world

And maybe that will always be true

But I hear your tears from here 

And I can't explain why

Yet I wish I knew 3 reasons to make you smile

I've spent the initial wave of pain in hiding

Bandaged the puncture wounds

Stitched the shallow cuts

There's deeper ones that time will mend but never quite heal 

They'll never know the memories you fall asleep to

When your only choices break your soul

Being dragged away on dug in heels from everything you want

The hallow in your gut from the loss of faith in all you hold close

I remember not to remember

But the tears forget to forget 

Sometimes I don't know the words to tell you
But know I will always find the ways to show you

I want to be a superhero for you 

But I know that's not fair

That you need to figure out how strong you are

How wonderfully strong I know you are

You are beautiful and smart and so incredibly intriguing

These are just some of the things I know

The Things of Change

It's ghosts and shadows
Hints of dreams and faded memories
An affect patterned into my senses
Laying there in wait
The impending build of something unknown

Please don't let her know she still occupies my heart

Life bursting into existence
The brand new taking shaky first steps
Light showers reviving decay
There is only beginnings here, too naive to know about endings

Sun and laughter
The heat of the night chasing warm bodies out under the stars
Eyes glued to blinking lights millions of miles away
Surrounded by the sensitive melody of crickets that silence with the slightest of movement

Shades of color the keep us mesmerized
The wind trying to sweep the streets clean
Long walks holding hands under falling leaves
The beauty covers the death that is already here

The ground becomes one shape
Using shovels to create paths, trying to find a way back
Keeping everything locked tight, avoiding the storm
Snuggled in blankets by fireplaces too entangled to notice

I should have kissed you

In 21 days I knew
And somethings happen sooner
Some things take much longer
But it was 21 days that decided my fate

There was a chance

All I remember is there was a chance 

And the moment she looked at me with that smile 

Any chance became the air

The train shutters across the rails all night
Sleep clinging to the walls, awakened with every bump
Speeding is irrelevant on guided tracks
Every shadow is visible as far behind as there is to look
Watch for miles ahead with every glance
But there's no view to see beneath your own feet
Such a mighty existence to be so alone when filled with people

1, 2, 3
Jump
The fall will hurt
But the train won't notice an empty seat
And you shouldn't be staring out windows your whole life

7/19/2012

I've heard it said that when you find love at first sight time stands still
I'm still waiting for it start again from when I first saw you

Fuck you

I read my fortune cookie today
It told me my deepest dream will come true
It's a kick in the gut because that dream is still you

It sneaks up
And I can't tell if it's quick or slow
But there you are

I chased you in my dreams

There's a tangible feeling that I can taste on every single bud of my tongue
A moment in time when you see the way she looks at her
It's sitting there
Right there, below my collar bone
Expanding fast enough to expel any breathe I try to gasp onto
It's caught between lifting as a balloon to skies unseen and sinking down to capture fire inside the chest
Close in tight to fend the ache, chase away the rush
She has taken the air and made it too big to (hold in/breathe)

I really don't like the people we've become to each others lives

After all that was between us

But if you think I'm not strong enough to move on without you

You've never really known me at all

You're one of those girls that has always seemed out of my league and it's not that I expect or even want to be with you but that I know you get as much pleasure out of flirting with me as I do with you. After the wreck of my love life lately that is something I look forward to, it's simple and casual and not layered in motives.

Sometimes it really is just that easy

I'm better with words when I'm not speaking them

I try so hard not to

I have run from it

Hid from it

Changed my direction for it

Gutted my heart out just to be able to stand still

Yet still all I can think is

I wish you loved me like I love you 

Fade me back

Explain how you can need to be free and want to be tangled up

Give me explanations I long to hear

Not the realities you puff into my eyes

I fast from you in dangerously mindless increments

Bleeding the memories from my wrists

Choice is no option

And I'm following the high road where the (swells/peaks) invert at random

You don't come around here anymore
I hope with everything I have that that means you finally don't need this place to feel alive

Letters from my future self

Dear You,

You will find the adventure you are looking for and the girl that stays will be worth your wait. Don't beat yourself up too much for not knowing it all, don't beat yourself up for failing. It doesn't change that you are a wonderful person. I need you to know that discovering yourself isn't a moment of clarity but an endless cycle of learning. Ease up on your heart a bit. It knows what it's doing even when it feels broken. Trust that you will find your way to what's meant to be and holding on so tight to things trying to let go just holds everyone back. You can't love someone while holding back, and love can hurt but the reason love is idolized is because it's kinda worth it. Believe. More then anything believe in yourself, believe in everything you know you can do. I believe in you. There are so many people around you that make your life great, cherish that. That's what you should hold onto. You are strong enough for this, all the hard things will eventually be in the rearview mirrior if you just keep on moving. We got this thing...

Love,

Me

There are things I've just know before

But I'm blind, deaf  and dumb when it comes to this new thing

And I that's what I can't get my mind off of

Because I know how useless words really are

My favorite story

There are times when I believe

One day you'll just show up at my door

I will let you in

Unpack your things
And we will be home 

Today has been a really weird day... I don't know how to feel or act or think.

I stopped myself today

And I have to keep reminding myself that is a good thing

There's good things in this day
And I smiled

It's going to be okay

I'm going to be okay

I know this

I'm just a little sad right now

It's where you wanted to be

(or do not want to be)

And I'm honestly just tired of fighting it all

Everything I should have said or needed to, have left my lips

I still hate this part

Learning not to care seemed so hard once
Then there came a learning spurt
Suddenly I'm trying to remember how

Would you rather someone need you or want you?

There is a difference

There's a comfort in something I haven't found yet

That more then anything else is what I long for

Endless longings for nameless places

There was a catch in her tone when she said 'please go'

And that is the where my dreams lay before sleep

From places far past here

There was a breeze against my face

I still smell you on my skin

I hate this part

because I keep trying to make you into something for me you just aren't 

and i love you in ways i thought were make believe

but i'm not thinking anymore

it's endangering my heart

Don't worry about getting lost inside, it's no better out here. The answers aren't out there, even if you have to go there to get it

Would you trade in your brilliantly beautiful disaster of a mind for a 'normal' life?

I'll try for hours to find the exact words to say that can relieve your pain
But know it's because of the time I spent crafting them and not the actual words that means anything

Would you even notice

If I disappear?

I don't want TRY when it comes to loving you, I knew the moment I saw you I would never forget you

Sometimes the title is the most important part

...

The day always feels like night
And night, it never feels like home
This was redundant long ago
Now there's just endless stories flashing dark
Behind sightless eyes

(I really don't believe in absolutes as much as they are in the things I write)

It's not just for one girl, each one brought me to this place, I miss them all because they are the parts of me I lost

I was wrong

Which isn't so surprising

But it hurts just the same

Not all of this means something but all of it explodes from that silent part of me, and I have so many things I'll never say out loud, but I can scream my anthem with calloused warn fingers, it's the running pressure to give my pen a voice that leaves me scrambling for validation, I'm hiding in a triple word score, proof that there's value twined in my heart.

I want to show you the ocean

When you don't know me anymore, know I'll hear the hint of you in wind and waves, and I'll feel your breath in the rush of a swing, regrets only exist with memory, so don't look back, it's the existence of more that keeps us searching, paint me the words to tattoo the sky, let go of the stars I chased for you, use the rope's scars around my neck as caution marks of withered faith, Hope is off chasing a phoenix of gold, and she's fingering the whole in your heart

does regret exist for something you know you're going to do? 

Remember that time you were falling in love with your favorite band for the first time

In that moment I knew

I didn't know what I knew

But I knew it

How did you miss it all

The things entrenched in everything I am

It is like a glaring beacon that is painfully bright

Truth is I think you do know

But can't shine in return

And I stay because I know you need a friend

More then anything else right now

And I know that is one thing I can excel at

There's a hope, there's a dream and there's a fantasy. I don't know which one to chase and I don't know how to follow all three or even two at once and really I'm just tired of not knowing and knowing I never will. I'm tired of not doing what I want and there's many things I claim are standing in the way but the only real thing stopping me is, me. I'm scared of so many things and it has raveled into a paralyzing position of indecision. When I close my eyes at night I create worlds with what I would do with just one genie wish and even then I can't figure it out. Because I don't want to look back and regret what I left behind but at the rate I'm going I'm just being nostalgic about what I never had.

Your words can't hold me together anymore

I can't tell what you want from this

I doubt that even you can

There's no going back to before

and I still fantasize about futures but I don't believe anymore

There's effort in place now

I'm biting down on those words like I haven't said them a thousand times

I need them to mean something to someone

I've told them all

But none have honestly said it back

I'm deflecting for you

Hanging on to my facade 

But I'm still shattering into pieces

Crumbling into sand

I love you

No matter how fucked up you think you are

No matter how fucked up I think we are

That is all there is

I feel like I'm vibrating at such high levels everything is slipping through

All I wanted from you was to love me back

And I will never again believe you do 

I guess even I produce expectations impossible to live up to

I'm not above it no matter how high my horse

That's how a tragedy goes I suppose

Does expressing love mean anything

When you doubt the functionality of a heart

I don't like the words as much as when I'm writing them for you

Tell me how something so easy becomes this hard
Do you remember all the love songs I wrote where you starred
It's hard fighting against believing I've never know how that word feels

The feeling not the words

I could use the words to express the feeling

If I knew what exactly I was feeling

Words ramble out but are they ever anything more then what I want to be true

I've been writing as a way to search

And try to reveal who I am

But how do I know if that is expressed with any accuracy

Yet I still feel so exposed

And I struggle sometimes to put it out there 

Even while trying to hide

But there is something painful that you never come looking

I can rhyme and symbolize and describe

But it's all for show

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing 

And I feel like a fuck up on most days 

But I still want you to love me

There's a selfishness about that that is nowhere near pretty/beautiful

And they say that doesn't belong in true love

But I'm in the middle of thinking they don't know what the fuck they're talking about

And maybe that makes these words as honest as any

She's beautiful
And there's moments you can tell confident enough to know
But then there's all the other times you tell her out loud because the look in her eyes says she doesn't hear it enough

She doesn't laugh but she smiles with mirth
And her eyes shine brighter with all the times she uses her wit to cause laughter in others
But how her eyes are brightest every time she looks at you that way

She's all those things you discovered you wanted in those moments before sleep and forgot to remember at the sound of the beep
She's the taste at 1:47 in the morning, of cigarettes and whiskey and falling asleep with a foot on the ground
She's fiery passion about the mistreatment of a million people she'll never meet
She's her favorite band on repeat

She is the endless silent road wrapping windy around the coast chasing thoughts around her head
She is the major export of her city and state
She is the time on the clock with her good morning kiss plus the rush of her touch against trembling skin

I've met so many people

The ones I like

Annoying ones

Familiar ones

Crazy ones

There are the ones that love me

The ones that can't stand me

The strangers I pass with a nod as I come home

The eager little ones that want to play

The oldest people just wanting someone to listen, passing parts of themselves on to future generations

Evil people, there's less than you think but more than you know

I've met sad people

And lonely people

The confused and hurting people

So many people come and gone, a few that have stayed

And the only thing they all have in common is 

they are not 

You

You are the easiest part of me

And that seems so strange looking at our history 

Everything that has been anything but easy between us

Yet that doesn't change that out of the limitless things I don't know or understand

You being in my life is my future

And I'm not sure about destiny or meant to be

I just know that there will always be a me for you

And a you for me

In whatever way that comes I become content

Love comes in many forms

And we lose so much focused on the love of lovers

We forget

The unconditional bond of two people committed to each other

That need, not to be complete or whole

But to find freedom in that connection 

And romantic love is easy to identify and label

But not many know how to make love to someone without any physical contact

Without need of sexual context at all

  

It grows roots

And you don't really know how it happened 

But now you can't remember anything else

Those things I can't say out loud

Because I don't know how

Or because I'm scared

Or because of the timing

Always the fucking timing 

It slips out sometimes

I almost say fuck it and let it all go

But I reel it back in

Don't wait until it turns into 'too late'

I hate questioning everything about us

I don't understand why it's so easy for people to walk away from me

There's so many things I want, and I've put myself in this spot where I don't think I deserve those things, I've been waiting and waiting, and waiting has gotten me exactly nowhere, I'm still the scared little five year old girl timid and watchful, so mature from watching others learn their lessons, so afraid of making mistakes, this all changes nothing but then it changes everything, yeah, it changes everything

It's all getting very redundant

There's a feeling that comes when somebody says out loud what you've only been flirting with in thought up until that point. Something that means more then the simple words suggest, something that putting a voice to makes painfully real too soon. That's the point though, because when it was all in my head I was safe to play with alternate scenarios and genie wishes, but now I know the mirrors reflection and my make believe dalliances/musings slammed into reality/existance. I'm still trying to name the feeling/ what feeling is possibility.

I don't want to remember you anymore

It feels pathetic sometimes
All the time
Is that how it's supposed to be?

A promise in silence

The truth in lies

Dreams while awake

Those are the kind of things that seem useless

Until they are all that matter

I'm happier now then I've ever been, I'm just scared time is going to mess that up

When you figure out the question the answer is yes

The sounds you make on my lips 

The taste you leave on my tongue 

You vibrate through me

And it's not enough to say that you entrance me

But it will do for now

3 doesn't divide into 1
That one seems to matter most
Did you really give up
And I know the answers really aren't that important
They don't change anything
And really I'm looking for the answers I want
Not the truth
But everything you told me doesn't seem real
Or maybe not fair is what I mean
Nobody is looking to care though
Don't look at the time on the clock

I'm losing my words

Out of everything I've always had them

Who am I when they are gone?

People always tell me how smart I am

How I have something special 

How I'm meant for more

How I can do anything

All I can think is how much I have these people fooled

Do you know how to talk to angels like she does?
Would you believe if they told you why?
They're telling me things I'm scared to hope for
Do I hope even through the pain?
You tell me
Please
Because I've always believed in you more then I should

I've awaken from every dream I've ever lived

There's a world you live in

It's nowhere near mine
And my mother taught me so much
But she left out how to say goodbye

There was a time I could taste your voice
Tell me how does one get over that

I know the moments when she crosses your mind
It's a deep breath and eyes to the left kind of feel
And she's everything you wanted but you never touched her
Not in any way that matters
Train tracks and butterflies
They're always running away with you

I've been chasing the things I can't feel for as long as I can remember

I've been running from things I can't see for just as long

I have 20/20 vision but I can't look too far into the future 

Or reflect that far into the past

I feel like I have shards of glass in my bones

Always slicing to get out

There's a lull in my heart

And my motivation shows up at the strangest times

Don't think, don't think 

Everything works better when I don't need to think up reasons why

Things I already know answers to

Remember that time we decided to take a week break from each other
And before the week was up you text me saying you missed me
I never understood why you did that when our feelings weren't the same
This is one of those things I never asked you, didn't know how to ask, was afraid to ask

Things don't always happen in the time frame we want them to

That doesn't mean they aren't meant to happen

This doesn't mean it won't happen

There isn't anyway to tell you how proud I am of you

How even when you still think you don't deserve happiness

I know you're one of those people that deserve it more then most

I met you and I knew you were meant for something grand

I only knew you for that moment and it was enough

There is every part of me that believes in you

Go change the world 

The chance to dream

powerful words laid out in rhyme

the expression behind thought and feeling

every color of your voice and the sound the smile on your face makes

burning hot skin exploding to my touch 

joining icy fingers on a snow filled morning

the taste of rainbow candy on your lips as I absorb and devour the beat of your heart

and I was here before

but it was different then

the struggle was never worth the pleasure

and here now I know the struggle but can only feel love

and that's it you see

that four letter word so small in size

trying to describe what words fail to explain

but always try because maybe someday I'll match the words to my heart

and you'll know every wish upon a star I've ever made just to find you in my arms

Do you ever feel like you're chasing your own tail
Running round in circles to pointless ends
You really need to stop showing up like this

People keep telling me how content I look

And they laugh at the smirk on my face when I start talking about you

And I know they notice changes in me because I can't hide them

And it feels so good for once not having to hide why I'm so fucking happy

You make me so happy 

And how we do it so effortlessly

That we found each other

And they say it sounds so hard

But really you are the easiest thing I've ever done

Because while there are tough things 

None of them stand in the way

You give me peace where all I've been is restless before

Thank you for existing

I couldn't do this without you

there's so many things i did wrong
and the regrets take over late at night
but something i realized today

for as much as i guard my heart
for as far as i distance myself from people
for how much i hide from my own emotion

every time that ton of bricks has hit me in the head
i have made sure she knows
and that makes the regret not so sharp

i never want to be the person that let the best thing go
because i was too afraid to fail
because i was too afraid of myself
because i was too afraid to let someone love me

I'm not afraid of you 

You and your skittle kisses

Or your mesmerizing laugh

Or the way I have no control of the beat of my heart when you say my name

I love the way you say my name

I love the way I can still taste you on my lips

I love the way you have imprinted who you are onto my weary soul

I love you Maggie

When you read this just remember

Now  

as the radio plays
it's (your favorite) song
i heard it all the time
after you called (it mine/us done)

and those days were everything
it's never been the same
since you forgot my name
and left me to my shame

and the end had come
the time for tears to fall
now it's so far gone
from where we both belonged

bring me back to that place
your favorite song still plays
i swear i still see your face
where we both gave into the chase

I wish I knew how to compose music

and I think this was meant to be

always wonderin' who you'd be

don't take my word in it's place

just this smile on my face

and the things you think you thought you'd know

can't compare to where we are

just take my hand we've come this far

don't think it over it's begun

this place where two become one

search so hard for what's to come

changed your mind with eyes closed tight 

One of these days I'm going to write you something that leaves my impression on you

I wrote your name in the stars

Come here so I can point out where

(So/and) you'll be able to find your way home from wherever you are

Back to my arms

No matter the dark, it's easier to see their twinkle when everything is black

Wait out the storm

Those too shall pass

Catch a glimpse of fate at the calm in the center

Tornadoes and sandstorms can try to disguise the path

Throw everything off course 

But they can't change (what's beyond touch/what they can't touch)

Mountains so tall meant to block the way

Step by step, foot after foot 

Each one climbed is closer to the guide

Earthquake or drought, flood or famine

Whatever comes our way just look up to find I'm never far from your side

   

My struggle isn't in telling the difference between night and day
It's knowing what to do when either arrives

Please tell me you know these are for you

I have every thought in the world racing through my brain tonight

I think the only one that can stop it is you

You are the only one anymore that tames the chaos

The only one that sees the flares I send up when I am lost

I don't need to be taken care of

I just need you to block the rain so I can keep sending smoke signals

So I can find my way home

I'll still be holding your hand in the rain

I'm not good with stories

But I have one for you

If you can spare the time to listen

Time and fate
I've been obsessed my whole life with what they have in store for me
And I can't decide if that escape is the best thing to know or to scary to consider
There's escape routes along the way
But the lights meant to lead the way have blown out and I handed my life preserver to the girl behind me when she forgot how to swim
I know there's flotation devices to keep me afloat but I misplaced them during the dive
I lay on my back to stay above the water line as the waves try to drag me under
I can count every star in my line of sight
The sun disappeared long ago
I'm so thirsty for meaning but all there seems to be is salt water to dry me out
I taste it on my lips and it reminds me of all I can't have
And I swear I see land up ahead but again I'm scared it's just a mirage only meant for the desert
Wrinkled and bloated and legs keeping me treading out of habit
When I close my eyes I can still see the view from my window at 30,000 feet

I'm still figuring out what to do with you

All those girls, my trust in the last one, making demands for the things they want.. or don't want, you're not the person I expect to make me feel this way, but then you are the first, you are the the one with the most history, but you know all the secrets, all the pain I've been through and why, you've been an eyewitness as I came limping in with the remnants of my heart bleeding between my fingers, you say I'm worth more then they have ever offered but you expect me to settle for second or even third rate, you tell me my feeling are wrong, you're urging me to go back in a direction that doesn't threaten this place you've carved out in me for yourself, you want me to be happy, as long as it's the way you want me to be happy, and you're wrong about the person I spent years getting over, and I think you know where that truth belongs, you have him, but you want me too be what he isn't for you, you like me alone, you like when I'm broken, because you're who I come to when I can't breathe, you give me air, but it's laced with intent, you say I deserve more but all you've ever let me have is words too drunk to be real, when I'm too sober to for it to matter, you question my judgement, I question your motives, the life we belong together isn't this one, we've know that since we figured out what this meant, there's a turning in my gut that hasn't left, just adding layers to my reinforced skin