She follows me where ever I hide
I think I hate her for that

The countdown is getting harder the closer you come

I've blanked out what happens after the return flight

I don't want to discover how to say goodbye

I know I haven't told you yet

But where you go, I go

And when you follow your dreams to the opposite coast

I'll be meeting you there

Meaning doesn't exist in a world where you are anywhere other then my arms

There is no expectation of this fixing all of life's problems

But it will fix the one that shreds me apart countless times a day

You were never a choice I made but what my heart already knew

Falling without intent

Home, I'm coming home

What if I only exist in words?

There is more then a big part of me that wishes I could turn off my tongue

I hate how I know the exact words to say to make them feel special 

Weaving crosswords to honey her in

Make you need me but not want me

Answer me how to believe in this when I've already created the end

I am the most self destructive person you will ever meet

Because I reflect back at you whatever you project at me to be

Light late night thoughs

Trying to find peace in all the things I let go of too soon, and meaning in everything I held onto for too long, near misses I took for granted, breathes I forgot to take, each tear that blinded the future, the girl that held me responsible for the way things went and the one that didn't remember to look back, how truth and lies can be the same thing at different times, when fighting morphs into laughter and back again, faith is questionable and that love is rarely forever, people never change and change is constant; fucking mix messaged cliches, I can't remember a nap I've regretted, sex doesn't get you pregnant sperm does

I am incapable of erasing these thoughts

How do I tell you I failed

That everyday of demanding urges got the better of me

I'm scared of how nonchalant I am about my collapse

It's daunting and I'm undignified

Getting out of bed is becoming harder and harder

Dates are hard to remember

Feelings last longer

But even they run dry when left in the sun

I'm not looking for truths

Just a hand to hold in the rain         

Don't you think using that in any context is a bit cruel?
Especially that one line
And while it can be for someone else to you, you know what it means to me
I guess I just hate knowing that it means so little

It's time for a redirect

Fuck you
This orange is mine















(And I'm not really that hostile about rainbows but it felt nice to say)

Can you repeat that?

I hate my words, I can give you a thousand of them to 'replicate' just the preface of a single kiss, when my lips finally find yours can we be silent for hours

just because we can?

They're all for you now

There's so many things I want to tell you

and it's a montage of words I can't quite verbalize

I've been looking for alternate ways to get this point across

This feeling

This ache

This every minute I've imagined so far

I'm suspended in animation

There's a blockade that can only be chiseled with time

Or demolished with recklessness

And I know the answer is somewhere in-between

But dealing with extremes for so long leaves me conflicted for reasons having nothing to do with the decision my heart has already made

Do I stand

Do I run

Do I sit and wait for a train

On the verge of grasping something within breathing distance

Still fears overtake my body and mind

My very soul

But never my heart, that stays true

It's all anticipation building now

And it expands and conforms itself to me

Molding and shaping me into a bundle of raw nerves begging for release

Does it show

There is the moment

That turned into days 

That preceded months

That lasted years
That became lifetimes

This is how you measure forever 

Decoded

i danced on the gravestones of Blackbirds and Waterfalls
my obsession became the vines that (tangled/strangled) the Lion
and i found myself in a Savannah (that was) locked in an ice age
unprepared for the icicles that threatened to impale the Pride
in the desert there is hidden water, in ice there is blue flame

adonis and a mirror
cupid with an arrow
zeus and the lighting bolt to separate the two
Thesis came cantering in holding the power of fire
and a smirk to remain for eternity
sacrificing a liver for time

smells are enticingly solid
simmering together in a blaze
rebuilding and recreating the decaying flesh
its touch on my tongue haunting
there's a burn going down
but at least now there's a compass to point the way

each word embedded across endless sheets
every note tells a story
shinning screens etching worlds into existence
i've lived them all in vibrant color
discover how to stand still for the inferno that will consume me

who knew a Lily could tame the Beast

Her smile, those eyes, that laugh

There are three songs that are respective to three girls I will always hold with me
Past, present, future
There are other songs and more girls and they all have their place in me
But these specific three are the ones that have and do define my sense of love
The song represents their time in my life
Every time one of these songs comes on I relive every emotion and feeling and moment with that girl
I avoid these songs on ipods and their radio play is rare to never
There is too much contained in them to hear constantly
And there is something bittersweet about hearing them unexpectedly
I know them by heart, they are my heart

I don't quite know how to say how I feel

And I don't understand all the things you've seen

I know I was wrong

I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams

But I won't let you down

I saw sparks

And you're afraid all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

But if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world

Did I drive you away, I know what you'll say, you'll say

Those three words are said too much, and not enough

And did you know I miss you

There was hope in me that I could take you there

But dammit you're so young

Well I don't think I care

And I promise you this 

I'll always look out for you

I need your grace, to remind me

To find my own

And this is to a girl that got into my head

With all the pretty things she did

My heart is yours, it's you that I hold onto

All that I am, all that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes 

They're all I can see

It's always you in my big dreams

Forget what we're told before we get to old

Because we both know what it's like to be alone

And you'll tell me that it's over

I don't know where, confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I always catch the clock when it's 11:11

And I saw sparks bursting into life

I can still taste the skittles on your lips

Today is not the best day

Really it hasn't been a very good year

But still I can't regret it because it brought me you

I have things I worry about

Questions, about me and what the fuck I'm doing

Some things from yesterday that still collapse my heart

I'm still struggling through this

And it's a lie that I'm strong because some days the only thing I can do is not disappear

I'd ask you to help in that but it makes me feel weak and I already am that to often 

I wonder if you'll be okay when I'm never fully able to tell you it all

That those things inside me don't communicate consistently 

Please don't turn away when I direct my words to destroy

I use them to deflect and hide and I'm going to hate myself for it

But I know better to think I'm above my faults

There is all of this and more that I refuse to voice

And it's distracting at best

But it's not all I am 

So I see what my heart feels, and I trust what my heart sees

 And I let you in despite my terror

It's the way I fight for you, by not giving in completely to my destructive tendencies 

You are meant for me

And I can make every mistake in the world

But messing us up won't be one of them 

So I can't wait for this year to be over

But you're the part of it I'm keeping for the years that follow

There’s a part of me that wants to hang onto this forever because I’m afraid of what’s beyond. But what you’ve always know is that beyond is all there ever was for this. And I may know it too but I’m stubborn when I’m scared, it’s my illusion of a shield from my fears.

I gave it freely and I never blamed or regretted what there was just that it wasn’t for me to keep, or give. It’s impossible for goodbye because it left so long ago. So I’m finding a hello to take it’s place.

-turtles and trains-  

Breaking away from all you've known

I've always know it's not only you I'm hanging onto
It's the pieces of you I'm too afraid to see in myself
And I let you take from my soul the things you need
Because I don't know how to direct it on myself
And there is a strength in me that acts as a shield for others
I'm struggling with taking this source away from you
Will you be okay without it
I don't even think you know it's from me
And I would protect you if I could
But you have made it clear that's not my place
And I feel like that is your way of protecting me back
That you don't want this to be a burden of responsibility on me
And maybe now is the time I need to accept that from you

There is past lives between you and me
I don't know if you remember the time we talked about that
About the other lifetimes we have met
And maybe in one of those we were meant to be
But that's not how it is
Because in all our lives we are draw to each other
But in every one we destroy what there is
We survive by sucking the other dry
And you walked away this time
Which I have always felt makes you stronger then you will ever admit
So maybe for us I should help break the circle we've been running around in

And I'm scared and sad by this
I know once it happens
Once I release this and we rotate into different orbits
That is all there is for us
And I hate that it is what's best
I still feel you in me
Even when you have already left
But you've always known we aren't good for each other
So it's my turn to know it too

So I'm turning in all my 11:11s and every mention of your name
The place where you live physically and in my heart are being packed up
I have attempted it before but now is the time
And I will have to remember again tomorrow but I'm leaving plenty of notes
I wish every good thing in this world for you pretty girl
And with that I have let go

You're the fear I've never voiced

Half my body has been torn away
And I'm so afraid that everything that was ever good in me
Was taken with it
But I still remember so it can't all be gone
Yet


Dreams can be deadly
Don't pretend it escapes you why
Some are only meant to keep you company while your eyes are closed

It's not a matter of if or how,
Not so much when either,
Because time is only measured in the (amount of) lifetimes already lived,
And our collision course is imminent,
So cry the tears, and drive the deserted roads late at night
And meet me in that (one) place,
The moment you find the answer is my name whispered back at you

Do you remember...

...It was a drama I think, too adult to matter, it wasn't long but with every click of the rewind button we extended the run time a few minutes longer, we defiled time to avoid seeing the night end, we never did make it all the way through, high on things no bottle or lighter could provide, sugar combined with youth and an endless (storage/supply) of essential silliness, expressed in giggles and mischief and carefree, uninhibited antics, we watched the sun rise and were up in time for pancakes and face paint, our laughter plays on the soundtrack to my childhood...


...Mexico beaches gliding high with dangling feet...
...swings and monkey bars and picnics at parks... 
...falls from treetops with an inch to spare before the collision with asphalt...
...roadtrips...
...dress-up and forts made of blankets on chairs...
...Aladdin and Hook and Beauty and the Beast in theaters...  
...the cast on my arm and soccer with Raven...
...made up dances and concerts and singing along to songs on repeat...
...summer...
...every Halloween and trick-or-treating without supervision...
...LA and reunions and baseball games...
...swimming for hours then eggsalad sandwiches...
... inviting new games with ever changing rules...
...first kisses... 

...I know you do, we really did make those days count

"And it asks about you constantly and I don't know what to say, this heart has got to let me be"

Somebody once carved into my life echos of their presence, reminders of shadows unexplored










(Been loving years at this point, long enough, to know some wrongs and to learn some once, and after all the words I've heard for love, your name just keeps coming up, cause you're someone who has me all consumed, and I'm so confused cause I can't seem to move, and I've been know to idealize yet I see you with true eyes, your faults as plain as day, but what ever reason, your highs and lows I've seen them, I love you just that way, and I long to be someone who gets the best of you, and good things aside I would take the imperfect too, some one who makes you feel the way that I'm consumed, oh, some one who's the only one for you, you say don't wait like it's a choice but nothing else feels right, timing it's a funny thing and it's laughing hard at me, false start, broken heart , swearing that this isn't smart, I don't believe you, at least, at least I don't want to, cause I'm someone who will give my all to you and good things aside I will take the imperfect too, and the way you make me feel I will dare to act a fool, cause I'm someone who's waiting here for you)

Things I've learned in the past year or so

(It's been a long year)

+You can feel someone with all your heart but that doesn't mean it's meant to be

+There comes a time when you forget to remember her everyday and no matter how much time passes there are random things that still bring her to mind

+It's okay to stand up for yourself

+Loving someone should not be something you're ashamed

+Breaking somebodies heart isn't as easy as you thought it was from the other side

+Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand in silence and ignore the tears falling down your face, and sometimes you need someone to wipe them away

+The only way to deal is your way, nobody elses ever helps

+Don’t bring your job home physically or mentally

+Time is only helpful after it has passed

+Letting go doesn't happen with force

+You know you've moved on when it stops living in your dreams, both the night and day
versions

+There really are people out there that can give you butterflies every time they say hello

+Music can strengthen the heart and tear it apart within the same song

+Your heart always knows

+It is possible to be friends with somebody you've have been in love with but only after much time has passed and don't count on it.

+Hearts get broken everyday but not yours so don't compare your pain to others, your hurt is just as valid as any other persons out there

+There is someone that will make you genuinely smile again

It could happen

If I'm clumbsy are you still going to find me sexy?

Thoughts

Stop looking to others to qualify your creations, they are for you not them.

In a moments notice

Some things take forever to learn and the evolution of certainty left me wanting but out of all the attempts to love I've never been more secure as when your smile hits my ears and there's a constant urge in me to protect and possess everything you are, there is the person I was and who I will now become because of each breath I breathe in a world where you exist, my tragedies and transgressions of yesterday took me here where I offer my heart with unsure hands in hope, and therein lies the difference.

part 2

Do you remember any of our conversations?

Things I already know answers to

I wonder if you still stay awake at night with your nightmares
I remember when I was there to chase them away for you
I hope someone is with you, holding you in their arms and keeping you safe like I was always supposed to

Late night thoughts

As fucked up as everything is

How fucked up I've made it

Your added contributions to that

How extremely despairing our situation is and will remain

You are still the girl that gives meaning to my heart, captivates all my senses

You are my proof everyday

And after all this time I still smile every time I think about you

Every time I think about us

So I'd like to know...

I can't tell if it's me trying to get out or if it's something trying to get out of me.

Memories are real

There's a reason we can't go back
So we don't get lost to all that could have been
It's not a flaw in the design
It's the built in warning
That we can remember our past

To change our future

A retelling

The things you know are coming because you can't take your eyes away
And the things that take you by surprise because you didn't know where to look

I think of people as times of day

Forgive my moments of weakness

They're not about getting away

But trying to find something tangible to hang onto

Sometimes I feel like we found this too soon

That fate tangled our strings

That we were meant to meet much later then this

How can you be shown your heart and have it beat so far away

Road maps and distance don't seem that hard

'let's run away together'

I just want to be where you are tonight

Dreams are all I have of you

And it's bittersweet because I fall asleep to find you every night

But morning is the worst part

And no matter how I try to push it back it always comes

Every time I have to remember you're not there

Frozen tears burning scars down my cheek

I feel your phantom touch within everything I do

It's carving patterns of ache into my chest

There's so many things I'd write just for you

I chased a white rabbit, hid behind bushes and trees each time he turned around, Every tic of his gold pocket watch echoing through my stance, he wouldn't be so elusive if I could just say hello

I've been thinking about death a lot lately
Not causing it, not dealing with it
But that I'm already dead

I clenched a tack in my fist yesterday
I have yet to feel it

I can't tell if I'm defining myself through other people
Or if I have to use them to simulate feeling within me

Remember that playground ride
Spinning around in circles
Again and again
Faster and faster
Laughing and screaming
It always made me sick
I hated that thing
I rode it all the time

I don't hear music anymore, my ears are tired of all the pictures in the words cause you are in them

...still 

You think love is hard and demanding
Sharp turns and endless tears
The shredding of words over exposed wounds
A new type of instrument for the same reoccurring method of detachment
It's not your salvation but your step by step instruction guide to the architecture of containment

And I thought I could see it that way for you
That we could mask it together
But I can only preform that as a perfected act
Because as much as I see the world in such colorful shadings
This was never something my logical instincts could perceive

There are the things I did wrong
And the things I let go when I knew I should hold on
And I let you down
Sometimes on purpose
Sometimes before I understood that I was
But this is who we are, you and me
And for all my wrongs I have never said 'I love you' to a girl and it be anything but true
And I have never fallen out of love just traded those pieces of me for salvaged junkyard parts and after market discounts
They were replaced and rebuilt with ill fated attempts and misjudged timing
But I can still speed and I remember regular maintenance can relieve some of the high costs I'm required to pay

I still have turtles and zippers and a smell I can't possibly prove but know is yours anyway
And I still get a slight smile when I catch that clock
I remember our talk about lifetimes and universes
It comforts me in moments like this when I stop to wave from this distance

She's not you and I'm grateful for that
There's no fight with who I am just to feel
And I feel more because of that
This is where I want to be

Turtles

Spent a long time loving you
A little less then hallow without it
There was a part of me that was always for you
Letting go of you was the best choice I made
And my mournful regret

...

You're not going to understand this
And I never made the effort to try
But a year ago today we were both on beaches
And they were nowhere near each other
Yet I felt closer to you then had you been whispering your words in my ear
And we were doing separate things
But you were right beside me
And now I am here
And you are there
And I'm doing some of the same things
But this time there is so much distance between us that space cannot remedy
It's not that I want to go back
Just that I'm a little sad about what we destroyed

You or me

Your writing is on repeat
Change out your pen
Dive from a bridge
Scream in a place it echos
Something to rediscover your originality
Don't lose the uniqueness that demands people's attention
You're melting it away for cheap looks
I used to read your words over and over
Memorized by heart
I save you for last now, hold my breath through each new piece
Hoping to feel it again
The surge of anticipation empties out my chest as the words drift around me
Not through me with barbs that dig in to get stuck like when I first knew you

I remember when 3 lines hurt with feeling so much my chest physically ached for days after from the responding pounding in my chest

That's the girl that can make this happen
Find me that girl

Second person feels detached

The taste was different then you thought

So was the smell

The color was slightly off too but it was close enough

And the words are memorized but there's a buzz overlapping them

You think for a moment 'shouldn't I be more excited?'

But then it's over and the question is dated

You can still feel the  heat on your skin

There are times I think that lifetime will never come, but then I realize our time is now

I don't feel like I'm waiting when it comes to you

We are how we are and it's beautiful

And I know things will change and I look forward to all of it

But there's more here now with us then too many people get to see in a lifetime

We aren't doing this because we have too

We do it because it's the only thing that makes sense

You are my faith

A bowtie and hat, the suspenders are for you

#89

Letting you dress me because we both know I have no style sense

(Yes I'll carry the bags)

Those Days

Wake up without the need for an alarm, refreshed from deep sleep

Your hair falls into place easily with just a comb of your fingers, you look in the mirror and like what you see for the first time in months

There's a hint of a smile taking control of your lips and there's not an overpowering reason why it's just there

The sun is shinning, a to do list to complete but nothing pressing, meeting up with a few old friends

Your girl calls just to say she loves you

And you remember there's been bad days before and you know there are bad days to come

But today is easy, peaceful, just enough of a break to remind you (it's not endless/the struggle isn't everything)

Today I don't feel hopeless

It's nice

Thanks for the help

Bones

It burst through your bones

Snapping and cracking the solid frame built from years of growth

Grinding to dust every fortified rib and femur

The marrow (leaking/draining) out through every pore

That thick skin you wear so brazenly protects you mightily from outside invasions

But that's been built around your osteopathic soul

They're already inside



Oh look, a simile

I want you like a jellyfish needs water

That was new

It was a different tone

(I love knowing you well enough that I can detect it)

I knew what it was but I didn't want to call you on it if you didn't recognize it

You did

I didn't mean to cause it

It just came out

I backtracked but a little slower then real retreat

I wanted to know if I was right

I pushed

Kept saying things to encourage it

I'm sorry I'm needy enough to require demonstrations

I know it wasn't about you doubting me

But how you felt something you wanted to give me was stripped from you

Believe me it's still there

Just for you

I think I conveyed that plainly to you

You got it

You have me

It's still another thing you said you didn't do

And it's not proving you wrong at all, but being your exception, that thrills me

What you do to me, she might as well never have said her name

That position isn't benefiting her in the slightest

You're still all I see

But I've felt it too

Jealousy 

You're my favorite 'what might have been'

I'm so proud of the person you are, the person you will become, and the person you have always been. My luck was confirmed that day life let me share a blanket with you and every day that followed where you kept me around. I lives you always.

I left these everywhere so you could find them.

Something New, Again

(Unproofed and I need to pick one tense but I don't feel like it tonight)


Jaiden wiped the condensation off the mirror with her hand that had gathered there from her shower. She stared at her reflection almost not recognizing what she saw, or rather the lack of what she saw. It had been quite some time since she could look herself in the eye and not see it there. The longing. The heartache. The anger.

The fear.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The decision had been made and nothing was going to change that. Now it all came down to dealing with the consequences of that decision. There was an extreme peace in no longer having to struggle with what to do. she already knew and she was sure that that was what had changed what she saw in the mirror. She was trying to get used to not having to fight with herself anymore.She figured that would take some time but she was okay with that.

Wrapped in a towel Jaiden walked out of the bathroom into her bedroom. Hair hand dried and thrown into a messy ponytail because she wanted to avoid making too much noise. The early morning sun was coming through the window enough to see without having to turn on the lights. Slowly moving around the room as silently as she could to put he clothes on.

When she was done she finally let her eyes wander to her bed and absorb the figure that lay in it. Blonde hair sprawled across the pillow, a single sheet covering the naked body underneath. Long legs fully visible and Jaiden was sure that she would never get used to what seeing all that skin did to her. She never wanted to.

She couldn’t help the smile that came to her face as she walked close. She let herself just watch the beautiful girl sleep face up, body completely open and vulnerable. So trusting. Jaiden nver knew how to do that. She slept on her side curled into a ball protecting herself from anything that may come while slept. She wanted t so everything she possibly could to make sure teh sleeping girl always had that much faith in the world.

Jaiden stared down at that perfect body beneath her as she made it to the edge of the bed. Placing her knee onto the mattress she lend over to place a gentle kiss onto a cool forehead. Her intentions had been for that to be it, she had tried so hard not to wake the girl in her bed since she had gotten up, but she couldn’t resist the need to kiss soft lips as well.

Jaiden grinned as the sleeping girl immediately began kissing back. And while she should feel bad that she woke the girl she couldn’t actually bring herself to make that happen because it felt so good. Jaiden loved that that was the unconscious response she invoked in the blonde.

Finally pulling away slightly Jaiden opened her eyes to see sleepy blue looking back at her. “Hey.” breathed past her lips as she brought her hand to move some stray blonde hair behind an ear. “I need to go. I have some stuff I need to do.”

Blake lifted herself up so she could rest on her elbows still keeping her eyes on the brunette. Jaiden felt the need to explain further so she hurriedly said “I just want to go think about some things. I’ll be back. I just...” Her words trailed off when she didn’t know how to explain any further.

“Okay.” Was all the now coherent Luka said like she never needed an explanation to begin with.

Jaiden scrunched her eyebrows. “Okay?” She questioned having expected more.

“You’ll be back?” Jaiden nodded yes. “Then okay.”

There was that easy trust again that left Jaiden knowing that the decision they both made last night had been right. She wasn’t leaving to question that. She wanted to go marvel in it for awhile. Find a place for it all in her head. Enjoy the peace that now replaced the conflict that had previously been within her. It was something she needed to process alone and the fact that Luka just understood it made Jaiden fall a little more.

She got a little giddy when she thought about Luka and her together. Finally they had come to a point that resisting what was between them was only creating pain. Pain for them, pain for Jake, and pain for all their friends who were all watching the two girls fight so hard to break their own hearts. It seemed impossible for them to be together for the longest time.But she supposed sometimes it was okay to get the impossible.

A smile spread across Jaiden’s face ad she wondered at how many times Luka had made her do that just in that single morning. She moved to kiss Luka again because there was nothing else to be said.

She moaned a little as Luka lifted one of her hands to the back of Jadien’s head in order to deepen the kiss. Eventually she pulled away again and Luka let her go reluctantly.

As Jaiden stood up she noticed the sheet had fallen to reveal a naked torso and her eyes froze on the naked flesh. An exaggerated clearing of a throat brought her out of it. Looking back up to Luka’s face she saw an amused smirk and blushed a bit but returned the smirk just same. Without a word but without breaking eye contact either Jaiden got off the bed and backed away to the door.

“I’ll be back.”

Grabbing a coat she stood there until Luka blew her a kiss.

Oh she was definitely coming back.

So the truth is...

I want cuddles

There may be other things too

But at the end of any day I want to cuddle with you more then anything

Hold you in my arms

Rest my head in the spot where your neck and shoulder meet

So yeah

I know what you mean

Hey you-

I see you watching me
Say hi

"Let's go make you shed a tear"

#103

Ice skating at Snoopy's Ice Arena

(How do I know I'll be holding you up the whole time)

Are you keeping count?

#15 
Wrap myself up in your arms as you read me poetry and stories

"Are you going to tell me the reason you're here?"
"No. I'm going to stare at you for awhile and then leave with a longing look goodbye. It's how I prove I'm deep and mysterious."
"And pathetic."

Is my brain on fire

(I can't feel it to let you know)

There's a fog

A mist I can't see through

A block in my brain that prevents something similar to progress

I wonder if other people can see me through it

There's a welcome mat at the doors of hell

So I'm going back on the pills
And I'm terrified for so many reason that I can't find words for
But I can feel myself slipping
I'm losing it all
I need help
Please somebody help me
If I ask
If I beg
Will you hear me

I stopped sticking my finger down my throat almost seven months ago to the day today
I can still taste the blood
I can still smell the bile
I still miss it
I miss the empty feeling
I miss the sense of accomplishment
It disgusts me how much I miss it
And the freedom it gave me
I have to fight against doing it again everyday

I've given up on almost everything
And the two reasons I have left are the only things keeping me here
I would never take my own life
I'm too much of a coward for that
To afraid of the unknown
It would also destroy the only people in this world that I give a fuck about
But I know how to shut out the world
Recoil into my own oblivion
I've been there before
I cannot remember how I came out of it then
I don't know if I can do it again
I don't know how to believe

So the pills are a last ditch effort to salvage... something
I'm so scared
Scared of what they will do to me and my mind
Scared of what I'll become without them
Am I me with them
But can I survive without them

There will come a point where there is nothing left of me that cares
That scares me the most 

There's a Girl

I keep thinking the illusion will vanish

And all the magic will fade away

But you keep proving me wrong with all you do

And I've run out of reasons to hold back now

There's nothing left to hide

I found all the things I want in life

They all begin with you

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's the beat of my heart when you say my name

It's the thoughts of you that consume my brain

It's the deep felt desire to always be touching your skin

It's how you create the smile on my face and the laugh in my soul

And there's a girl I want to hold

I see who I want to be now when I'm with you

That reflection in the mirror doesn't scare me anymore

Because I believe in the feeling I get when you look at me that way

And dreams of holding your hand and kissing your lips is the sweetest high

Until your touch surpasses all before

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's the beat of my heart when you say my name

It's the thoughts of you that consume my time

It's the deep felt desire to feel your skin

It's how you create the smile on my face and the laugh in my soul

And there's a girl who loves my heart

I've been watching the years pass by 

Never knowing there was more

And though I've known how to smile

Looking back there's a fakeness to that joy

Because it was never for you

And I've known love can be true

But I never thought it was for me until you said hello

And I've heard the sounds about how a girl can change your world

But they failed to describe how you make my heart brand new

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's falling asleep to the noise you make

And waking up knowing you are there

It's the trust in our touch

It's the life we create

And there's a girl that has my heart

You are that girl, my girl

One of us should keep track

#345

The requisite goofy pictures in a photo booth complete with a kiss in the last shot

This was the thought that let me sleep

(She may have loved you on your knees but not for that)

Her face from that moment 

It's on loop in your mind

The only time you ever hurt her

The only time she ever let you in so far

The questions race around your head

What should have happened that day

You think maybe you could have changed it

If you could have found different words

But the the saddest thing,

You realise as you close your eyes,

Is those are the only words she would ever have let in

She needs someone you'll never know how to be

 But then that's someone you never want to be either

Your pleas for love are never enough

But love shouldn't be made in pleas

She always hated them anyway

There's no competition but the parallels fascinate me

Neither of them are anything alike

My girl is light and playful
Where she is dark and witty
My girl is afraid of storms and trusting
Where she is afraid of dreams and futures
My girl uses her easy charm to draw people in
Where she uses her cunning mind to leave people intrigued

They are nothing alike

So how do they bring me the same obscure songs and poems

"I find it hilarious that you're happy I got mad at you"

Fighting

Yelling and frustration

Tempers flaring

Heavy breathing

No one backing down

No way to mistake it for a disagreement

Remember when you said you could never be mad at me

I cringed at that

If you're not in this enough to fight

We're just pretending

If you can't muster the passion to tell me I'm wrong

This doesn't seem to matter 

If we aren't committed enough to argue in love

This is not a relationship

We spent all week fighting and I still want to fall asleep in your arms 

That feels real to me 

3 Ways to Tell You

There was a time when you were mine

When the pain was just worth the pleasure

No questions asked

But every time I had to let you go

There's a piece of me you never got back

And I will remember you

On late night drives along the coast where the cliffs are endless

In that one song I still pretend to hate just to playfully mock you

Because of blazing green eyes that sincerely changed my world

And I will remember you

On those days at the fair spinning in circles and screaming with laughter

In a crayon drawing of a turtle, that song from your mother and the necklace I never gave you

Because of every innocent smile hiding wickedly desirable thoughts

And I will remember you

On late night writing marathons when the words won't stop

In the strum of your guitar as you play the song you learned for me despite how you hate it

Because of cocky attitudes, the body to match and a heart born to care

Those memories and what might have been

Each is a reason to help me understand

Why she will never be them

She's more

I almost forgot how good at that you are

It's a dangerous game we're playing

But you create this insatiable desire in me

It's hot and wet and aching

There's so much I want to say

I don't know how much longer I can hold back

You've dissolved all my barriers

And my will never existed

That refrain from saying it

There's no way I can win

You drag it out of me

Fuck

I lost track of when I stopped struggling

I've pretty much come to the conclusion our hearts are one now

There is no less or more

It just is

We're drowning in the inch of water we have left

What happens when it floods?

Fuck this whole fucking year

I cried today

The full on, uncontrollable, heaving, gut wrenching, can't breathe, can't talk, loud as hell tears

I was at work so I escaped to my car

I don't think I hid it very well

I can't remember the last time I cried

Usually I just get the burning behind my eyes

I'm so tired

I can't do the extreme ups and downs anymore

They weren't meant for me

Nobody can make you cry like a girl can

I say it doesn't matter

But tonight it feels like it does

Brutally honest without trying

(Does the picture make this less dramatic?)

I wish you wouldn't have told me that

We both ignored it for so long

The proverbial elephant in the room

Maybe you had to for your own sanity

But after all this time

Did you think I was just waiting for you?

I think my pause hurt you more then I intended

I just didn't know how to tell you

That even then I never wanted you

The silence said it all

Past to present you're still my constant

I catch you sometimes
You have this look on your face when you go back
Remembering things you still perceive as your fault

Broken ribs, bloody noeses, stitches over the one eye that was blind for a week
A scar on the upper lip that matches the one from the car door at seven years old
Kicks and punches designed for submitting
Hiding from drunken rages, the smell of weed lingering
That chase that led us through a window and the most fucked up game of tug of war

There are glimpses of it in me
The parts that made me stronger
The parts abandoned long ago
The parts that still affect me
The parts where I am just like him

I lie about the reasons I don't do certain things
But you know the truth

I don't blame you
I've never spent too much time on blaming anyone for anything
Things happen in life
Some of it stems from outside sources
But it's always my choice what I do with it

I really wish I could take that glistening from your eyes
It's the only thing that still hurts me

There it is again

The anticipation is deadly

It has so long too build

Gain momentum

Explode or fade away

There needs to be a release of some kind

In any form at this point

The realization might restore the chaos

Or add to it

I can't wait to find out

More anticipation

The blind man can still paint in color

I see you
Better then you think
I don't understand the connection
It doesn't really matter

I have words
I've always manufactured them with a blind intent
You ask for them by suggestion
And I'll give them to you
It takes no effort at all from me
And you'll believe them because they are the exact words you want to hear
But from the wrong person
And the sincerity is lacking but at times even I believe them

You go through people like your favorite brand of spearmint gum
Chew them up and spit them out the same way too
Waiting to feel, like all your storybooks told you was possible
Pretend there is that decaying hurt that weaves into a pseudo reality
Nothing is real for you

There is a fantasy created within four green walls and a lit up screen
One that connects you to other bright screens within a four wall structure
They tell of worlds willing to let you join in
If only part time

You're really good at butterflies and beginnings
But you don't know what comes after

Give Into Me for the Sparks because you are The Only Exception

I really like when the most cheesy songs remind me of you

I like it even more when you point out the songs you've picked for me

Want to know a secret?

I don't think it's cheesy. Not even close.

There's a story

And it's the greatest story I've ever known

But I don't have to write this one down

I get to live it.

Where do I put this?

It's colder then normal

The silence is engulfing

Entirely alone

I've been here before

It's been awhile

Everything is shifting around me

Visions flashing

It's blinding and illuminating

Possibility verses regret

I'm not being consumed

There's still so much left to do

So much I don't understand

Feelings that swell my insides
Deflate my brain

My certainty exists in one thing

But maybe that's what happens

Because it is my one thing

So there's a blanket nearby to get wrapped up in

And a push of a button to ease my ears of deafening silence

A coat of fur and wet nose to dispel my mistaken displacement

I've been here before
(But I'm trying harder not to be)

Those numbers still catch me off gaurd

I wonder if it's the same as for you

If I were a bell I'd be ringing

You wrote me a poem

Marvelous lines of words

That made my eyes water

I did not think I was the type
But then you, you are that girl

And I am so fucking in love with you

...

The skin around her nails is peeled back to where you can see blood, taste blood whenever her tongue touches

Her feet are hanging out from the protection of her comforter, leaving them exposed to the cold, she stubbed her toe earlier and split the tiniest one open, she keeps hitting it against the wall to make sure it still hurts

Tearing off layers from her chapped lips until they are red and swollen

There's a gash in her tongue where her sharp teeth bit down, she runs the wound back and forth over every tooth repeatedly

She has never touched a blade to her skin

The scars would be too recognizable

A word from the author(Who is that?)

So I have a story idea in mind and for once it comes with an outline that contains a beginning, middle and end, sorta. Fun fact: I've never finished a story. I have many ideas and have written many parts to stories but I always get distracted or overwhelmed or bored or it turns into something entirely different then what I intended. It really impedes my progress. I really want to finish this one but it scares me a bit. It's touching on something that has many viewpoints the world over and I'd like to not back down from any of it. What I write tends to be safe. I want to be reckless a little bit but with discipline. See if I can break these boundaries I've block my writing into. Develop style and content. Change up what I'm comfortable with. Oh fuck somebody wish me luck.

Mother's Day

Being a mother.

Most my life I haven't thought about it

Never really wanted to be one

Children are great

Cute, funny, and I play well with them

Basically because I still am one

But I generally enjoy giving them back to maintain my uninterupted sleep

Something changed

About the time I met you

Was it only 8 months ago?

You talked about them

Wanting them, tons of them

Craving to be a mother

Wanting to know what it's like to be fat

And in my head I began to see it

Kissing your round belly

Crying as we hold our baby for the first time

Holding your hand as we watch our kids play in a park

Yeah

I can see it

The idea has seeped into my heart

You have a way of doing that to me

So yes

We will have as many children as you want

And I will love them

They will be ours

And we will be a family

I can't fucking wait

Happy Mother's day my beautiful girl

there was never going back, just wanted to know

some people aren't who you thought they would be when they came
into your life
and it's not that you're disappointed
or want to change it
there's just adjustments to be made
you have to see if there's still a place for them within you
and if not
how to do you say goodbye

the amount I care is the inverse of what you ever did but we are not a math equation, there was never only one answer
(i know now)

Old Journals

And I found it just a little uncaring

Standing there staring at your front door

Wondering if I'd ever find a way in

(Wondering if I'd ever find you waiting)

(Hollow lifetimes born to leave you broken)

At times like that I think I found if right here

In a moment of weakness I came to understand

That living life isn't always about the right thing

It could be just learning what will get you by

Finding choices that will leave you with the least doubt

(What's going to leave you with the least doubt)

 The chance you're never going to find out

And maybe it will be okay

When I leave it where you left it

(Can you chase what's never going to come down)

Maybe I'll take the path you decided not to follow

Broken lifetimes born to leave you hollow

(Broken lifetimes we're never going to see)

I'm not sure how this goes

Forever two kids in love
Seeing the world from unjaded eyes
Knowing the world will never, can never, change what you have
Forever two kids in love
You'll always want what they have

When did words stop being enough?

I'm tired of pretending it's okay to be this unhappy. It's time to move on from what I let myself become. To grow up. Clean out the things inside my head I've hated all this time. I can do better then this. I am better then this. Time to stop making lists for the future and start living it now. I'm ready for what I have to do. Remind me of this when I start to doubt, of this feeling right now. There's a goal now, a deadline of sorts. And someone waiting at the other end for me. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to let myself down. I'm so afraid(I'm discovering lots of my fears lately) if I keep following this path I'm going to end up a sad miserable person that never did anything with all the things I have. So afraid of failing but I seem to be doing that by default anyway. I've always put on a good show for everyone. My acting ability is better then anyone knows. I keep a hold of these things to cover up my hollow insides. I'm exhausted of holding everything in and putting barriers up to keep everybody else out. It gets lonely in here. So now I'm going to shatter my reinforced shell. Though it won't fall all at once I'll make it there. But please remind me of this when I get scared, discouraged, sidetracked or just plain lazy. I need your help. Please. 

And just like that I'm yours all over again

(Let's not pretend I was ever anything but)

Do you know how many times I have fallen for you?

Because I have lost count

Sometimes I feel like all my hope is dying

But somehow you always make me feel better

And see that's where the trust comes from

I finally figured that part out

You have never let me down

And I don't hold you to a standard

But you give me what I need

Even if there is fighting and sadness in between

I'm adjusting

I promise I am

I haven't lost my smile

It was just hiding for awhile

It's on my face right now just thinking about you



Hi

Something different

She needed to be here. For the calming effect it brought her. Something to rely on, to get lost in. She needed that too much now. An escape that was only temporary but crucial. No time to let her brain think. To let those feelings in. Distraction.

The sounds were familiar. A repetition to be expected. Cherished. Not a lot of talking, the lack of people at that hour contributing. The sounds came from the movement all around. The shuffling of tennis shoes marking the hardwood floor. Weights clinging again and again as they collided together. The cycling belt on a treadmill looping around at a sprinting speed. The one, two smack every time a hit was landed on the punching bag and the accompanying grunt.

“Alright two more then we’re done.” Roger’s deep voice announced knowing full well the girl would keep going until he told her to quit. as instructed she finished up with the last jab, wiping the dripping sweat away from her eyes with the back of her hand. The tape wrapping her hand scratching her face.

Turning to face the towering man of muscle she allowed her eyes to flicker over his black eyes, the only brief connection she would allow anybody these days. She waited for him to say something else, wanting him to give her more but knowing that would be it for now.

“You’re done for the day. Go get cooled down and get out of here.” To any outsider seeing Roger and hearing those words he would appear to be a toughed, war torn, bitter, old man who was not very fond of the girl. Like things could sometimes be though that appearance was false. She wouldn’t be there if it was even halfway true. He was a selective man when it came to who was allowed in his gym. The place was old and fairly beat up but it was his and he reserved the right to kick anyone he felt like out.

For her part she did everything he demanded of her physically. Her focus was intense and single minded. She was willing to punish her body to every extreme to get it done. That was her intent. She always got it done. Roger made sure to push her to exhausting limits every time he saw her but she never backed down. He feared she never would.

He gave the young girl everything he knew from this place because he couldn’t give her anything else. It was the other things, the things that went deeper then muscle and bone, that he couldn’t help her with. The things that were imprinted on her weary [soul]. In her mind. The scars that had yet to fade even when they disappeared from the naked eye. He knew those only heal when time would let it. Roger had no control over her past and her demons. So her gave her the comfort she chose to find here. Hoping one day she would find her answers in more places then this rundown relic of days forever gone.

The girl obediently finished up like Roger expected. Mourning the end of her time there for the day. She turned on the shower allowing the warm water to pound into her body. Cooling her skin and easing (aching/tight) muscles. She stayed under for awhile wanting to take her time. Delaying the day, hiding away a little longer. Finally getting out she dried off and headed to the lockers. After brushing her long hair into a ponytail she threw on a tank top and an oversized hoodie. A pair of jeans making her presentable to leave.

Sitting on the bench for a minute her eyes clouded over sending her back to another place. Another time. But she didn’t allow herself to stay there long. [She never did./ She already experienced it enough]

Bag slung over shoulder and water bottle in hand so to remember to drink, she headed toward the exit. Before making it to the door Roger’s voice stopped her.

“Hey Darlin, you here tomorrow?” He knew the answer but he asked everyday anyway.

“Yeah. I’ll be here.” Billie nodded.

After only a seconds hesitation Roger added one last comment. “It’s okay not to be here sometimes.”

Billie smiled faintly, at the gesture if not the meaning behind the words. She knew what his rough voice was saying and the worry they were rooted from. It didn’t make a difference.

“Maybe.” Was the only thing she said as she continued out the door. He just nodded his head once, understanding and knowing.

Walking outside the cool morning air hit her as she paused to look around. Not really needing to because he was always in the same spot having his choice of parking because of the early time. She headed towards the SUV that started up when the driver noticed her approach and he unlocked the door as she got close.

The sun had just begun its ascent into the sky that still required headlights to guide the way through the silent city streets. Neither father or daughter said anything. Both allowing the morning routine to play out.

Mark Darlin had always been a person up hours before the sun. Always as far as Billie knew anyway. It would be a habit ingrained in him for life. Developed since his boyhood spent working the family farm where waking up in those early morning hours was a necessity and kept food on the table.

A young Billie had never been on to follow in those particular footsteps of her father’s. She preferred the late night hours favored by her mother. She liked her sleep.

That was a different Billie, one that was lifetimes gone from who she was now, if not in actual time then in experience. Now the mornings found the oldest male Darlin of the household walking into the kitchen to find his daughter waiting at the kitchen table for him to drive her to the gym. Though in her case it wasn’t that she woke up before him but that there wasn’t any sleep from the night before to wake up from.

The first time it had happened he had stubbed his toe in shock at seeing her there. Billie had found the gym in the first few days of moving to L.A. and while he and his wife had easily paid for a membership there they had thought she would go later in the day with her brother.

Billie had other ideas.

Once he had found her that morning she had blankly asked him if he could give her a ride. Confused and not liking her being someplace unknown to him he still agreed. He didn’t think it would last.

That belief changed as day after day he was presented with the same question every morning from his beautiful daughter. He’d talked to Roger that first day and stayed to watch over her. As the days passed by he felt more comfortable leaving her in Roger’s care. He found a bakery nearby the had hot fresh pastries at that time and began bringing the paper or case files he could work on while he waited. He was always back before Billie got out.

He came to expect and accept that it was something Billie needed to do. Something she found to let herself deal with what life had decided to throw at her. He wouldn’t take that away from her. Anything her could do in that regards was never too much to ask.

The drive wasn’t long. Under seven minutes without the traffic and they were pulling into the driveway of their house. [Description of the ‘perfect’ family home?]

Mark watched his daughter gather her bag from the back seat and get out of the car.

“Thanks.” She made sure to say before heading into the house.

The sadness etched on her father’s face as he watched her walk away went unnoticed by the girl as she joined the house just coming to life for the day. Lots of things went unnoticed by the blonde these days. The once complete daddy’s girl barely spoke to him anymore. Even with all his years of training he didn’t know how to get through to her. How to take any of her pain away. He was failing her everyday.

With a shake of his head he removed that look and replaced it with his normal easy smile. Then moved to follow his little girl.