Decoded

i danced on the gravestones of Blackbirds and Waterfalls
my obsession became the vines that (tangled/strangled) the Lion
and i found myself in a Savannah (that was) locked in an ice age
unprepared for the icicles that threatened to impale the Pride
in the desert there is hidden water, in ice there is blue flame

adonis and a mirror
cupid with an arrow
zeus and the lighting bolt to separate the two
Thesis came cantering in holding the power of fire
and a smirk to remain for eternity
sacrificing a liver for time

smells are enticingly solid
simmering together in a blaze
rebuilding and recreating the decaying flesh
its touch on my tongue haunting
there's a burn going down
but at least now there's a compass to point the way

each word embedded across endless sheets
every note tells a story
shinning screens etching worlds into existence
i've lived them all in vibrant color
discover how to stand still for the inferno that will consume me

who knew a Lily could tame the Beast

Her smile, those eyes, that laugh

There are three songs that are respective to three girls I will always hold with me
Past, present, future
There are other songs and more girls and they all have their place in me
But these specific three are the ones that have and do define my sense of love
The song represents their time in my life
Every time one of these songs comes on I relive every emotion and feeling and moment with that girl
I avoid these songs on ipods and their radio play is rare to never
There is too much contained in them to hear constantly
And there is something bittersweet about hearing them unexpectedly
I know them by heart, they are my heart

I don't quite know how to say how I feel

And I don't understand all the things you've seen

I know I was wrong

I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams

But I won't let you down

I saw sparks

And you're afraid all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

But if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world

Did I drive you away, I know what you'll say, you'll say

Those three words are said too much, and not enough

And did you know I miss you

There was hope in me that I could take you there

But dammit you're so young

Well I don't think I care

And I promise you this 

I'll always look out for you

I need your grace, to remind me

To find my own

And this is to a girl that got into my head

With all the pretty things she did

My heart is yours, it's you that I hold onto

All that I am, all that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes 

They're all I can see

It's always you in my big dreams

Forget what we're told before we get to old

Because we both know what it's like to be alone

And you'll tell me that it's over

I don't know where, confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I always catch the clock when it's 11:11

And I saw sparks bursting into life

I can still taste the skittles on your lips

Today is not the best day

Really it hasn't been a very good year

But still I can't regret it because it brought me you

I have things I worry about

Questions, about me and what the fuck I'm doing

Some things from yesterday that still collapse my heart

I'm still struggling through this

And it's a lie that I'm strong because some days the only thing I can do is not disappear

I'd ask you to help in that but it makes me feel weak and I already am that to often 

I wonder if you'll be okay when I'm never fully able to tell you it all

That those things inside me don't communicate consistently 

Please don't turn away when I direct my words to destroy

I use them to deflect and hide and I'm going to hate myself for it

But I know better to think I'm above my faults

There is all of this and more that I refuse to voice

And it's distracting at best

But it's not all I am 

So I see what my heart feels, and I trust what my heart sees

 And I let you in despite my terror

It's the way I fight for you, by not giving in completely to my destructive tendencies 

You are meant for me

And I can make every mistake in the world

But messing us up won't be one of them 

So I can't wait for this year to be over

But you're the part of it I'm keeping for the years that follow

There’s a part of me that wants to hang onto this forever because I’m afraid of what’s beyond. But what you’ve always know is that beyond is all there ever was for this. And I may know it too but I’m stubborn when I’m scared, it’s my illusion of a shield from my fears.

I gave it freely and I never blamed or regretted what there was just that it wasn’t for me to keep, or give. It’s impossible for goodbye because it left so long ago. So I’m finding a hello to take it’s place.

-turtles and trains-  

Breaking away from all you've known

I've always know it's not only you I'm hanging onto
It's the pieces of you I'm too afraid to see in myself
And I let you take from my soul the things you need
Because I don't know how to direct it on myself
And there is a strength in me that acts as a shield for others
I'm struggling with taking this source away from you
Will you be okay without it
I don't even think you know it's from me
And I would protect you if I could
But you have made it clear that's not my place
And I feel like that is your way of protecting me back
That you don't want this to be a burden of responsibility on me
And maybe now is the time I need to accept that from you

There is past lives between you and me
I don't know if you remember the time we talked about that
About the other lifetimes we have met
And maybe in one of those we were meant to be
But that's not how it is
Because in all our lives we are draw to each other
But in every one we destroy what there is
We survive by sucking the other dry
And you walked away this time
Which I have always felt makes you stronger then you will ever admit
So maybe for us I should help break the circle we've been running around in

And I'm scared and sad by this
I know once it happens
Once I release this and we rotate into different orbits
That is all there is for us
And I hate that it is what's best
I still feel you in me
Even when you have already left
But you've always known we aren't good for each other
So it's my turn to know it too

So I'm turning in all my 11:11s and every mention of your name
The place where you live physically and in my heart are being packed up
I have attempted it before but now is the time
And I will have to remember again tomorrow but I'm leaving plenty of notes
I wish every good thing in this world for you pretty girl
And with that I have let go

You're the fear I've never voiced

Half my body has been torn away
And I'm so afraid that everything that was ever good in me
Was taken with it
But I still remember so it can't all be gone
Yet


Dreams can be deadly
Don't pretend it escapes you why
Some are only meant to keep you company while your eyes are closed