Chances Are

So many words to say

Not sure if I should

If now is the right time

If it will ever be the right time

I was looking for something else

I thought…

But I was wrong

She told me to just write whatever came to mind

This was not supposed to be their lives

When they dreamed of the things to come

When they were told what they could be

What they were meant to be

There was never any barrier telling them no or impossible

And time, for all the things it can do, is the great destroyer of all those things

Because time installs those border, those limitations

Time is the countdown to last chances and faded hopes

Time kills innocence

Time is emotionless

It will proceed on despite their plans

Despite their struggles

The record of time an effort to eliminate the constraints of mortality

There’s no escape from time

But there is freedom in endings

And a power to beginnings

The sweetness to that first kiss

And a tear for the final goodbye

There is no order and no certainties

Only this

When they stop counting nobody will remember or care how they lived

They do what they must because time tramples memory

The presence of time makes her existence the reason to ignore each and every tick tock

All one mess of drabble because nothing I think/feel/do makes any sense, why should my words

(Half Finished Thoughts)

Maybe if you cut out your tongue and I chop off my hands we can make this work

It's foolish and outlandish...

But I've never seen the reasonable reach their dreams

The destruction never really changes anything

But every time between release and shame

There is a triumph

A moment where it feels like it does

The compulsion never leaves

I just keep trying to find something that stands in the way

Inside truth and feeling

Feeling isn't truth

But no matter how much you say you want truth

If the feeling is right, truth will never matter

I can never be mad

Even when it's not fair

It's not the same

But we make it look that way

And you say all the heart swelling things I want to hear

Sometimes I wish you didn't know how

Really wish your words would stop being so perfect when they just feed my delusions

My heart and me

Maybe if you'd stop being so demanding we could find some peace

When did you stop being the easy part

You become a nun, I'll become a mute

Do you ever dream so big you believe your thoughts alone will make it happen?

I have never stripped myself bare for anyone but you

Got this feeling I'm right

So afraid I'm wrong

So sure this is that leap

Never been brave enough for the fall

Always been holding something back

In case this is a break

And who can believe half a heart

But mine has never been more clear about anything in all my life

It's always on its own timetable

The wait has felt like chains before

Restraining every breath

It still takes my breath away

But I can feel every beat

The light of day doesn't really make anything better

I don't remember this being quite so searing---I do know how it goes to be so sure yet have so many doubts. It's a bitch.---Dreams should never really mean much, it's all pretend.---Next time I need to remember that gaurd, I'm really fucking starting to hate next times.---

I don't mind telling you this every time you need to hear it

Those moments when you doubt this

When you think I don't feel it as much as you

When you think it can't possibly consume me like it does you

When you think that something about us is going to break

When you stop and think about how people have treated you in the past and how maybe I'm going to turn into that too

When you remember the things you have done and think maybe you deserve a broken heart as payback

When you worry if this can always be this strong

Just remember I get scared too

I wonder how I can possibly be good enough for you

I wonder how a girl who has the pick of anybody she wants, wants me

I wonder if I can always be every thing you need or if someone else can do this better then me

I wonder if you'll always be okay with normal because I know you deserve marvelous dreams come true

I wonder if my crazy is too much

I wonder if my dreams of us together are the same as yours

But these things I do know

I have memorized the sound of your voice and the silence of the night when I fall asleep with you

I have spent hours thinking of you and never once gotten bored

I have taken things slow because I care more about your needs and our relationship then about my own bizarre insecurities

I have all my friends asking me what's with the smile on my face every time I think about you; it happens a lot

I have bouts of doubt but honestly have never felt more secure then when you say my name, I love the way you say my name

I have hope with you, I have dreams with you, I have a lifetime of holding you hands, and kissing your lips, and loving every inch of your soul, mind and body in my heart...

 I think about our naked bodies entwined and the amount of love expressed in every touch we give

I can tell you the moment I knew I loved you

This is real

I'm going to be right here

Every day

Proving to you just how much I want  you

Need you

Desire you

And that the love I have inside for you and you alone is the reason I was given life
Nobody loves you as much as I am always going to love you

91491

So wrapped up in how you're going to be happy in the future

You forget how to be happy today

There is no guarantee

The future will always be one step ahead

This moment may not be all you ever have but it is all you have now

I have been that person

Always waiting for prophesied happiness

But that girl

She is all my today's

Insecurities anyone...

I'm so easy to fall in love with but nobody has ever stayed. A fear I have lived with a long time is that I'll never be good enough for someone. Dying alone. It's fine when everyone likes you but that doesn't make going home alone any easier. Am I worth any one's forever?

You are the best part of even the greatest days

There's this spot

It's my favorite spot to look out from

The smell of the ocean

The sound of the waves

A blanket is needed for when the sun starts to set

But the view makes up for the cold

I can think there

I can write there

I always go there alone because it has always been mine

I would like to take you there

I'll bring a blanket for two

Almost Like It Isn't Real

If I somehow prove I cared would you stop coming at me like this every time something goes array? Is it so wrong to tell you I'm tired of being the one to hold this together for you? When does it stop being my responsibility? Rationally I know it's not really like that. That there is more to all sides of this, but today it all feels so heavy and more and more days are ending this way. It's the dynamic we've created over the years. Maybe it's time to spread out a bit. We've spent to long moving closer together- we forgot how to be apart, think apart. It's all very confining now. This isn't about letting go but perhaps it will allow us to be happy again, to be individuals. We are so fucking dependant on each other it makes me nauseous.

My vocabulary isn't big enough for this

Today

The start of a New Year

That has never meant anything to me

Until today

You are the perfect way to spend any day

But today felt different

Maybe the start of a new tradition

I think of all the years I will get to start with you in the future and it makes me even more sure of what we have

Oh my girl spending all day in bed with you

Cuddling and talking and laughing

That smile on your face

Making love for hours

That is what I want for our life together

Every day I spend with you has me fantasizing about all the ones to come