Is my brain on fire

(I can't feel it to let you know)

There's a fog

A mist I can't see through

A block in my brain that prevents something similar to progress

I wonder if other people can see me through it

There's a welcome mat at the doors of hell

So I'm going back on the pills
And I'm terrified for so many reason that I can't find words for
But I can feel myself slipping
I'm losing it all
I need help
Please somebody help me
If I ask
If I beg
Will you hear me

I stopped sticking my finger down my throat almost seven months ago to the day today
I can still taste the blood
I can still smell the bile
I still miss it
I miss the empty feeling
I miss the sense of accomplishment
It disgusts me how much I miss it
And the freedom it gave me
I have to fight against doing it again everyday

I've given up on almost everything
And the two reasons I have left are the only things keeping me here
I would never take my own life
I'm too much of a coward for that
To afraid of the unknown
It would also destroy the only people in this world that I give a fuck about
But I know how to shut out the world
Recoil into my own oblivion
I've been there before
I cannot remember how I came out of it then
I don't know if I can do it again
I don't know how to believe

So the pills are a last ditch effort to salvage... something
I'm so scared
Scared of what they will do to me and my mind
Scared of what I'll become without them
Am I me with them
But can I survive without them

There will come a point where there is nothing left of me that cares
That scares me the most 

There's a Girl

I keep thinking the illusion will vanish

And all the magic will fade away

But you keep proving me wrong with all you do

And I've run out of reasons to hold back now

There's nothing left to hide

I found all the things I want in life

They all begin with you

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's the beat of my heart when you say my name

It's the thoughts of you that consume my brain

It's the deep felt desire to always be touching your skin

It's how you create the smile on my face and the laugh in my soul

And there's a girl I want to hold

I see who I want to be now when I'm with you

That reflection in the mirror doesn't scare me anymore

Because I believe in the feeling I get when you look at me that way

And dreams of holding your hand and kissing your lips is the sweetest high

Until your touch surpasses all before

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's the beat of my heart when you say my name

It's the thoughts of you that consume my time

It's the deep felt desire to feel your skin

It's how you create the smile on my face and the laugh in my soul

And there's a girl who loves my heart

I've been watching the years pass by 

Never knowing there was more

And though I've known how to smile

Looking back there's a fakeness to that joy

Because it was never for you

And I've known love can be true

But I never thought it was for me until you said hello

And I've heard the sounds about how a girl can change your world

But they failed to describe how you make my heart brand new

And if you want to know how forever feels

It's falling asleep to the noise you make

And waking up knowing you are there

It's the trust in our touch

It's the life we create

And there's a girl that has my heart

You are that girl, my girl

One of us should keep track

#345

The requisite goofy pictures in a photo booth complete with a kiss in the last shot

This was the thought that let me sleep

(She may have loved you on your knees but not for that)

Her face from that moment 

It's on loop in your mind

The only time you ever hurt her

The only time she ever let you in so far

The questions race around your head

What should have happened that day

You think maybe you could have changed it

If you could have found different words

But the the saddest thing,

You realise as you close your eyes,

Is those are the only words she would ever have let in

She needs someone you'll never know how to be

 But then that's someone you never want to be either

Your pleas for love are never enough

But love shouldn't be made in pleas

She always hated them anyway

There's no competition but the parallels fascinate me

Neither of them are anything alike

My girl is light and playful
Where she is dark and witty
My girl is afraid of storms and trusting
Where she is afraid of dreams and futures
My girl uses her easy charm to draw people in
Where she uses her cunning mind to leave people intrigued

They are nothing alike

So how do they bring me the same obscure songs and poems

"I find it hilarious that you're happy I got mad at you"

Fighting

Yelling and frustration

Tempers flaring

Heavy breathing

No one backing down

No way to mistake it for a disagreement

Remember when you said you could never be mad at me

I cringed at that

If you're not in this enough to fight

We're just pretending

If you can't muster the passion to tell me I'm wrong

This doesn't seem to matter 

If we aren't committed enough to argue in love

This is not a relationship

We spent all week fighting and I still want to fall asleep in your arms 

That feels real to me 

3 Ways to Tell You

There was a time when you were mine

When the pain was just worth the pleasure

No questions asked

But every time I had to let you go

There's a piece of me you never got back

And I will remember you

On late night drives along the coast where the cliffs are endless

In that one song I still pretend to hate just to playfully mock you

Because of blazing green eyes that sincerely changed my world

And I will remember you

On those days at the fair spinning in circles and screaming with laughter

In a crayon drawing of a turtle, that song from your mother and the necklace I never gave you

Because of every innocent smile hiding wickedly desirable thoughts

And I will remember you

On late night writing marathons when the words won't stop

In the strum of your guitar as you play the song you learned for me despite how you hate it

Because of cocky attitudes, the body to match and a heart born to care

Those memories and what might have been

Each is a reason to help me understand

Why she will never be them

She's more

I almost forgot how good at that you are

It's a dangerous game we're playing

But you create this insatiable desire in me

It's hot and wet and aching

There's so much I want to say

I don't know how much longer I can hold back

You've dissolved all my barriers

And my will never existed

That refrain from saying it

There's no way I can win

You drag it out of me

Fuck

I lost track of when I stopped struggling

I've pretty much come to the conclusion our hearts are one now

There is no less or more

It just is

We're drowning in the inch of water we have left

What happens when it floods?

Fuck this whole fucking year

I cried today

The full on, uncontrollable, heaving, gut wrenching, can't breathe, can't talk, loud as hell tears

I was at work so I escaped to my car

I don't think I hid it very well

I can't remember the last time I cried

Usually I just get the burning behind my eyes

I'm so tired

I can't do the extreme ups and downs anymore

They weren't meant for me

Nobody can make you cry like a girl can

I say it doesn't matter

But tonight it feels like it does

Brutally honest without trying

(Does the picture make this less dramatic?)

I wish you wouldn't have told me that

We both ignored it for so long

The proverbial elephant in the room

Maybe you had to for your own sanity

But after all this time

Did you think I was just waiting for you?

I think my pause hurt you more then I intended

I just didn't know how to tell you

That even then I never wanted you

The silence said it all

Past to present you're still my constant

I catch you sometimes
You have this look on your face when you go back
Remembering things you still perceive as your fault

Broken ribs, bloody noeses, stitches over the one eye that was blind for a week
A scar on the upper lip that matches the one from the car door at seven years old
Kicks and punches designed for submitting
Hiding from drunken rages, the smell of weed lingering
That chase that led us through a window and the most fucked up game of tug of war

There are glimpses of it in me
The parts that made me stronger
The parts abandoned long ago
The parts that still affect me
The parts where I am just like him

I lie about the reasons I don't do certain things
But you know the truth

I don't blame you
I've never spent too much time on blaming anyone for anything
Things happen in life
Some of it stems from outside sources
But it's always my choice what I do with it

I really wish I could take that glistening from your eyes
It's the only thing that still hurts me

There it is again

The anticipation is deadly

It has so long too build

Gain momentum

Explode or fade away

There needs to be a release of some kind

In any form at this point

The realization might restore the chaos

Or add to it

I can't wait to find out

More anticipation

The blind man can still paint in color

I see you
Better then you think
I don't understand the connection
It doesn't really matter

I have words
I've always manufactured them with a blind intent
You ask for them by suggestion
And I'll give them to you
It takes no effort at all from me
And you'll believe them because they are the exact words you want to hear
But from the wrong person
And the sincerity is lacking but at times even I believe them

You go through people like your favorite brand of spearmint gum
Chew them up and spit them out the same way too
Waiting to feel, like all your storybooks told you was possible
Pretend there is that decaying hurt that weaves into a pseudo reality
Nothing is real for you

There is a fantasy created within four green walls and a lit up screen
One that connects you to other bright screens within a four wall structure
They tell of worlds willing to let you join in
If only part time

You're really good at butterflies and beginnings
But you don't know what comes after

Give Into Me for the Sparks because you are The Only Exception

I really like when the most cheesy songs remind me of you

I like it even more when you point out the songs you've picked for me

Want to know a secret?

I don't think it's cheesy. Not even close.

There's a story

And it's the greatest story I've ever known

But I don't have to write this one down

I get to live it.

Where do I put this?

It's colder then normal

The silence is engulfing

Entirely alone

I've been here before

It's been awhile

Everything is shifting around me

Visions flashing

It's blinding and illuminating

Possibility verses regret

I'm not being consumed

There's still so much left to do

So much I don't understand

Feelings that swell my insides
Deflate my brain

My certainty exists in one thing

But maybe that's what happens

Because it is my one thing

So there's a blanket nearby to get wrapped up in

And a push of a button to ease my ears of deafening silence

A coat of fur and wet nose to dispel my mistaken displacement

I've been here before
(But I'm trying harder not to be)

Those numbers still catch me off gaurd

I wonder if it's the same as for you

If I were a bell I'd be ringing

You wrote me a poem

Marvelous lines of words

That made my eyes water

I did not think I was the type
But then you, you are that girl

And I am so fucking in love with you

...

The skin around her nails is peeled back to where you can see blood, taste blood whenever her tongue touches

Her feet are hanging out from the protection of her comforter, leaving them exposed to the cold, she stubbed her toe earlier and split the tiniest one open, she keeps hitting it against the wall to make sure it still hurts

Tearing off layers from her chapped lips until they are red and swollen

There's a gash in her tongue where her sharp teeth bit down, she runs the wound back and forth over every tooth repeatedly

She has never touched a blade to her skin

The scars would be too recognizable

A word from the author(Who is that?)

So I have a story idea in mind and for once it comes with an outline that contains a beginning, middle and end, sorta. Fun fact: I've never finished a story. I have many ideas and have written many parts to stories but I always get distracted or overwhelmed or bored or it turns into something entirely different then what I intended. It really impedes my progress. I really want to finish this one but it scares me a bit. It's touching on something that has many viewpoints the world over and I'd like to not back down from any of it. What I write tends to be safe. I want to be reckless a little bit but with discipline. See if I can break these boundaries I've block my writing into. Develop style and content. Change up what I'm comfortable with. Oh fuck somebody wish me luck.

Mother's Day

Being a mother.

Most my life I haven't thought about it

Never really wanted to be one

Children are great

Cute, funny, and I play well with them

Basically because I still am one

But I generally enjoy giving them back to maintain my uninterupted sleep

Something changed

About the time I met you

Was it only 8 months ago?

You talked about them

Wanting them, tons of them

Craving to be a mother

Wanting to know what it's like to be fat

And in my head I began to see it

Kissing your round belly

Crying as we hold our baby for the first time

Holding your hand as we watch our kids play in a park

Yeah

I can see it

The idea has seeped into my heart

You have a way of doing that to me

So yes

We will have as many children as you want

And I will love them

They will be ours

And we will be a family

I can't fucking wait

Happy Mother's day my beautiful girl

there was never going back, just wanted to know

some people aren't who you thought they would be when they came
into your life
and it's not that you're disappointed
or want to change it
there's just adjustments to be made
you have to see if there's still a place for them within you
and if not
how to do you say goodbye

the amount I care is the inverse of what you ever did but we are not a math equation, there was never only one answer
(i know now)

Old Journals

And I found it just a little uncaring

Standing there staring at your front door

Wondering if I'd ever find a way in

(Wondering if I'd ever find you waiting)

(Hollow lifetimes born to leave you broken)

At times like that I think I found if right here

In a moment of weakness I came to understand

That living life isn't always about the right thing

It could be just learning what will get you by

Finding choices that will leave you with the least doubt

(What's going to leave you with the least doubt)

 The chance you're never going to find out

And maybe it will be okay

When I leave it where you left it

(Can you chase what's never going to come down)

Maybe I'll take the path you decided not to follow

Broken lifetimes born to leave you hollow

(Broken lifetimes we're never going to see)

I'm not sure how this goes

Forever two kids in love
Seeing the world from unjaded eyes
Knowing the world will never, can never, change what you have
Forever two kids in love
You'll always want what they have

When did words stop being enough?

I'm tired of pretending it's okay to be this unhappy. It's time to move on from what I let myself become. To grow up. Clean out the things inside my head I've hated all this time. I can do better then this. I am better then this. Time to stop making lists for the future and start living it now. I'm ready for what I have to do. Remind me of this when I start to doubt, of this feeling right now. There's a goal now, a deadline of sorts. And someone waiting at the other end for me. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to let myself down. I'm so afraid(I'm discovering lots of my fears lately) if I keep following this path I'm going to end up a sad miserable person that never did anything with all the things I have. So afraid of failing but I seem to be doing that by default anyway. I've always put on a good show for everyone. My acting ability is better then anyone knows. I keep a hold of these things to cover up my hollow insides. I'm exhausted of holding everything in and putting barriers up to keep everybody else out. It gets lonely in here. So now I'm going to shatter my reinforced shell. Though it won't fall all at once I'll make it there. But please remind me of this when I get scared, discouraged, sidetracked or just plain lazy. I need your help. Please. 

And just like that I'm yours all over again

(Let's not pretend I was ever anything but)

Do you know how many times I have fallen for you?

Because I have lost count

Sometimes I feel like all my hope is dying

But somehow you always make me feel better

And see that's where the trust comes from

I finally figured that part out

You have never let me down

And I don't hold you to a standard

But you give me what I need

Even if there is fighting and sadness in between

I'm adjusting

I promise I am

I haven't lost my smile

It was just hiding for awhile

It's on my face right now just thinking about you



Hi

Something different

She needed to be here. For the calming effect it brought her. Something to rely on, to get lost in. She needed that too much now. An escape that was only temporary but crucial. No time to let her brain think. To let those feelings in. Distraction.

The sounds were familiar. A repetition to be expected. Cherished. Not a lot of talking, the lack of people at that hour contributing. The sounds came from the movement all around. The shuffling of tennis shoes marking the hardwood floor. Weights clinging again and again as they collided together. The cycling belt on a treadmill looping around at a sprinting speed. The one, two smack every time a hit was landed on the punching bag and the accompanying grunt.

“Alright two more then we’re done.” Roger’s deep voice announced knowing full well the girl would keep going until he told her to quit. as instructed she finished up with the last jab, wiping the dripping sweat away from her eyes with the back of her hand. The tape wrapping her hand scratching her face.

Turning to face the towering man of muscle she allowed her eyes to flicker over his black eyes, the only brief connection she would allow anybody these days. She waited for him to say something else, wanting him to give her more but knowing that would be it for now.

“You’re done for the day. Go get cooled down and get out of here.” To any outsider seeing Roger and hearing those words he would appear to be a toughed, war torn, bitter, old man who was not very fond of the girl. Like things could sometimes be though that appearance was false. She wouldn’t be there if it was even halfway true. He was a selective man when it came to who was allowed in his gym. The place was old and fairly beat up but it was his and he reserved the right to kick anyone he felt like out.

For her part she did everything he demanded of her physically. Her focus was intense and single minded. She was willing to punish her body to every extreme to get it done. That was her intent. She always got it done. Roger made sure to push her to exhausting limits every time he saw her but she never backed down. He feared she never would.

He gave the young girl everything he knew from this place because he couldn’t give her anything else. It was the other things, the things that went deeper then muscle and bone, that he couldn’t help her with. The things that were imprinted on her weary [soul]. In her mind. The scars that had yet to fade even when they disappeared from the naked eye. He knew those only heal when time would let it. Roger had no control over her past and her demons. So her gave her the comfort she chose to find here. Hoping one day she would find her answers in more places then this rundown relic of days forever gone.

The girl obediently finished up like Roger expected. Mourning the end of her time there for the day. She turned on the shower allowing the warm water to pound into her body. Cooling her skin and easing (aching/tight) muscles. She stayed under for awhile wanting to take her time. Delaying the day, hiding away a little longer. Finally getting out she dried off and headed to the lockers. After brushing her long hair into a ponytail she threw on a tank top and an oversized hoodie. A pair of jeans making her presentable to leave.

Sitting on the bench for a minute her eyes clouded over sending her back to another place. Another time. But she didn’t allow herself to stay there long. [She never did./ She already experienced it enough]

Bag slung over shoulder and water bottle in hand so to remember to drink, she headed toward the exit. Before making it to the door Roger’s voice stopped her.

“Hey Darlin, you here tomorrow?” He knew the answer but he asked everyday anyway.

“Yeah. I’ll be here.” Billie nodded.

After only a seconds hesitation Roger added one last comment. “It’s okay not to be here sometimes.”

Billie smiled faintly, at the gesture if not the meaning behind the words. She knew what his rough voice was saying and the worry they were rooted from. It didn’t make a difference.

“Maybe.” Was the only thing she said as she continued out the door. He just nodded his head once, understanding and knowing.

Walking outside the cool morning air hit her as she paused to look around. Not really needing to because he was always in the same spot having his choice of parking because of the early time. She headed towards the SUV that started up when the driver noticed her approach and he unlocked the door as she got close.

The sun had just begun its ascent into the sky that still required headlights to guide the way through the silent city streets. Neither father or daughter said anything. Both allowing the morning routine to play out.

Mark Darlin had always been a person up hours before the sun. Always as far as Billie knew anyway. It would be a habit ingrained in him for life. Developed since his boyhood spent working the family farm where waking up in those early morning hours was a necessity and kept food on the table.

A young Billie had never been on to follow in those particular footsteps of her father’s. She preferred the late night hours favored by her mother. She liked her sleep.

That was a different Billie, one that was lifetimes gone from who she was now, if not in actual time then in experience. Now the mornings found the oldest male Darlin of the household walking into the kitchen to find his daughter waiting at the kitchen table for him to drive her to the gym. Though in her case it wasn’t that she woke up before him but that there wasn’t any sleep from the night before to wake up from.

The first time it had happened he had stubbed his toe in shock at seeing her there. Billie had found the gym in the first few days of moving to L.A. and while he and his wife had easily paid for a membership there they had thought she would go later in the day with her brother.

Billie had other ideas.

Once he had found her that morning she had blankly asked him if he could give her a ride. Confused and not liking her being someplace unknown to him he still agreed. He didn’t think it would last.

That belief changed as day after day he was presented with the same question every morning from his beautiful daughter. He’d talked to Roger that first day and stayed to watch over her. As the days passed by he felt more comfortable leaving her in Roger’s care. He found a bakery nearby the had hot fresh pastries at that time and began bringing the paper or case files he could work on while he waited. He was always back before Billie got out.

He came to expect and accept that it was something Billie needed to do. Something she found to let herself deal with what life had decided to throw at her. He wouldn’t take that away from her. Anything her could do in that regards was never too much to ask.

The drive wasn’t long. Under seven minutes without the traffic and they were pulling into the driveway of their house. [Description of the ‘perfect’ family home?]

Mark watched his daughter gather her bag from the back seat and get out of the car.

“Thanks.” She made sure to say before heading into the house.

The sadness etched on her father’s face as he watched her walk away went unnoticed by the girl as she joined the house just coming to life for the day. Lots of things went unnoticed by the blonde these days. The once complete daddy’s girl barely spoke to him anymore. Even with all his years of training he didn’t know how to get through to her. How to take any of her pain away. He was failing her everyday.

With a shake of his head he removed that look and replaced it with his normal easy smile. Then moved to follow his little girl.

Unfinished

Those scrapes of paper

[all my words]

Saved my life

I wrote a book for you

It was all for you

I wonder if you'll ever read it

There seems to be a theme

There are no second chances
Just new perspectives
(That led us to new places)
Need to stop living looking backwards
Trying takes up most the day(s)
There is only new choices that remind us of yesterday

...

One day, without thinking, I'll make a wish. Then I'll know.

...

It all seems very pointless right now and believing is so much harder from this place, Fuck believing, I'm tearing my nails out just trying to hang on