This one's for you

I always wanted them to be what I wanted them to be

But with you... I have never wanted you to be anything other then you

I can listen to you describe every scene for the rest of my life

I've been watching the years pass by

Never knowing there was more

And though I've known how to smile

Looking back there's always a fakeness to that joy

Because I was never smiling for you

And I've known that love could be true

But I never thought it was for me until you said hello

And I've heard all the (sounds/songs)

About how a girl can change your world

But they failed to describe how you make my heart brand new

Someone who just lets me love her

She set me free so I could be with you

Because I never would have let go

I'm too blindly loyal to cut the disastrous inevitable

I'm sorry that's what it took

But I'm not sorry she did

Not anymore

You...

I should have seen it from your first words

I knew we were going to be epic trouble

I just didn't know you were going to charm your way into being the only girl I have ever seen forever with

Feel forever with

A jaded but hopelessly romantic heart I have

Every word to every song I will write about love belongs to you

I will always belong to you

Never stop, never let go

Skittle kisses

And I'm in the same place I used to be, but I'm trying harder not to be

I told the one person that needed to be told the most today. I finally let out my lies. The lies we both knew I was telling. But she listened anyway and loved me as she always has. We went for a walk. My t-shirt, two hoodies and bomber jacket protecting me from the cold but really it was the ice on the inside I was trying to melt. I am a little warmer tonight. I'm not doing test runs with people now. People that can’t do nothing to stop me or call me on it. I let go of my secret to someone real. Someone I see every day. I'm making myself responsible even when I feel like I couldn't support a pillow right now. I'm both relieved and scared shitless about the things I have put into words tonight. Things I have said out loud, out loud to another person. Made real. Proud and Ashamed. Strong and Weak. Such duality fighting within me and I don't want to break. Not this time. I don't have to be invincible but fuck I can't do the escape into sleep and apathy again. I can't be dead except for the breaths I'm still forced to take once again. There's got to be something worth fighting for. Someone. And maybe it doesn't need to be the same person all the time. Maybe it can be the person I need, at that time, for it to be. And maybe some of the time I will even let it be me...

Holy fuck she knows.

I dreamed of you last night

And see I want to write you songs

Give you my words in the form that means the most to me

And I've tried many times to do just that

But every time I come up with something lyric worthy

I feel the instant need to say it to you

So I do

Which is fine as long as you get to hear what is always meant for you

...

Nobody thinks I'm going to hurt them

They have all said they can't imagine me hurting anyone, being a bitch, picturing me at my worst

When I am I can tell how much it takes them by suprise

The scary thing is I think I do it to prove to them I am capable of these things

That they are wrong to think all I am is good

It scares me what that means, who that makes me

I feel like such a broken person on even my best days

I want to give her the world but how can I when I struggle to see the good in me that she does

It all hurt the same

I know you love her but was I ever even a thought after you left

...I wanted to tell you today
I haven't done it since November 5th

Sorry never makes it hurt any less

I'm sorry

I knew I was using you from the day we started talking

First I was trying to make someone jealous

Then I was trying to distract from the pain

She hurt me

And I hurt you the same exact way

I pretend I don't know-

I think, but I know, I just needed to be on the other side of it

Know how she could care so much but still hurt me so bad

I didn't want to do that to the one I'm with now

I didn't want to use her that way

I knew I needed to create some space before I could let myself fall; again

Somehow I convinced myself it was okay to do it to you

To let you think I was ever going to let it be more

Telling you I was going to hurt you was not an excuse to do it anyway

The fuck of it is we would have made great friends if only I had kept it at that level

That is what I was a fool to miss out on

I am always going to be that fool

I did a horrible thing when it came to you

That's why I let you yell every mistake at me

I know I deserved at least that much

And you deserve someone willing to give you more