This one's for you

I always wanted them to be what I wanted them to be

But with you... I have never wanted you to be anything other then you

I can listen to you describe every scene for the rest of my life

I've been watching the years pass by

Never knowing there was more

And though I've known how to smile

Looking back there's always a fakeness to that joy

Because I was never smiling for you

And I've known that love could be true

But I never thought it was for me until you said hello

And I've heard all the (sounds/songs)

About how a girl can change your world

But they failed to describe how you make my heart brand new

Someone who just lets me love her

She set me free so I could be with you

Because I never would have let go

I'm too blindly loyal to cut the disastrous inevitable

I'm sorry that's what it took

But I'm not sorry she did

Not anymore

You...

I should have seen it from your first words

I knew we were going to be epic trouble

I just didn't know you were going to charm your way into being the only girl I have ever seen forever with

Feel forever with

A jaded but hopelessly romantic heart I have

Every word to every song I will write about love belongs to you

I will always belong to you

Never stop, never let go

Skittle kisses

And I'm in the same place I used to be, but I'm trying harder not to be

I told the one person that needed to be told the most today. I finally let out my lies. The lies we both knew I was telling. But she listened anyway and loved me as she always has. We went for a walk. My t-shirt, two hoodies and bomber jacket protecting me from the cold but really it was the ice on the inside I was trying to melt. I am a little warmer tonight. I'm not doing test runs with people now. People that can’t do nothing to stop me or call me on it. I let go of my secret to someone real. Someone I see every day. I'm making myself responsible even when I feel like I couldn't support a pillow right now. I'm both relieved and scared shitless about the things I have put into words tonight. Things I have said out loud, out loud to another person. Made real. Proud and Ashamed. Strong and Weak. Such duality fighting within me and I don't want to break. Not this time. I don't have to be invincible but fuck I can't do the escape into sleep and apathy again. I can't be dead except for the breaths I'm still forced to take once again. There's got to be something worth fighting for. Someone. And maybe it doesn't need to be the same person all the time. Maybe it can be the person I need, at that time, for it to be. And maybe some of the time I will even let it be me...

Holy fuck she knows.

I dreamed of you last night

And see I want to write you songs

Give you my words in the form that means the most to me

And I've tried many times to do just that

But every time I come up with something lyric worthy

I feel the instant need to say it to you

So I do

Which is fine as long as you get to hear what is always meant for you

...

Nobody thinks I'm going to hurt them

They have all said they can't imagine me hurting anyone, being a bitch, picturing me at my worst

When I am I can tell how much it takes them by suprise

The scary thing is I think I do it to prove to them I am capable of these things

That they are wrong to think all I am is good

It scares me what that means, who that makes me

I feel like such a broken person on even my best days

I want to give her the world but how can I when I struggle to see the good in me that she does

It all hurt the same

I know you love her but was I ever even a thought after you left

...I wanted to tell you today
I haven't done it since November 5th

Sorry never makes it hurt any less

I'm sorry

I knew I was using you from the day we started talking

First I was trying to make someone jealous

Then I was trying to distract from the pain

She hurt me

And I hurt you the same exact way

I pretend I don't know-

I think, but I know, I just needed to be on the other side of it

Know how she could care so much but still hurt me so bad

I didn't want to do that to the one I'm with now

I didn't want to use her that way

I knew I needed to create some space before I could let myself fall; again

Somehow I convinced myself it was okay to do it to you

To let you think I was ever going to let it be more

Telling you I was going to hurt you was not an excuse to do it anyway

The fuck of it is we would have made great friends if only I had kept it at that level

That is what I was a fool to miss out on

I am always going to be that fool

I did a horrible thing when it came to you

That's why I let you yell every mistake at me

I know I deserved at least that much

And you deserve someone willing to give you more

She feels like home

My heart hurt for her, not because of her, today
That is new
She'll never know that I'm thinking of her right now
Wishing everything that is the best for her
Part of me wants to tell her of the change
But a bigger part is strangely okay with it being mine to keep
This... it feels like moving on
I'm discovering I like this better than I thought possible
That maybe she was keeping my heart alive for the arms I melt into now
She reminded me how to let someone in
She gave me my chance at happiness too
Maybe she knows without me saying the words

Thank you for pointing my way home

6:45 PM; 10/15/10

I never thought those words could be said so effortlessly

Without pain, without coercion

Without fear or doubt

I swear I should be scared

I know I should be scared

But you make it so easy

I’ve never thought about fighting your charm

I want every things with you

I adore you can finally say what it has always meant

I love you

Thank you for finding me

Thank you for saying it first

Thank you for loving me back

No sorry left to give

Please just let her be what she was in the past

Never  regret but nothing more than this

It is who I chose now that means anything today

I’ll not waste forever wishing she was someone else

No melodramatic hanging on

Or ‘the one that got away’

No illusions about who we were

Or who we should have become

We were meant to meet, and then find our separate ways

Only part of me wished I could take you with me

Or follow you there

I’m losing the battle of keeping you in my heart

But you never fought to keep your place anyway

A

...

You amaze me

And I feel like maybe I should be scared

But then I hear your voice and I know I never have to be scared of that again

You have me completely

I like you so much... in the way that starts and ends the same but in the middle there's an OV

She knows too much

(don't look now)

There are things inside scraping to get out.

I use this thieving smile to hold you close cause I'm to reliant on this hoped up feeling.

When what you want and how you know it has to be are never the same thing in our dramatic designs.

This twisted mirror reflecting our painted dreams on haunted skin and burning throat all colored in guts and blood.

It's never the same thing twice but always the same release and this day is too fucking long when I'm just chasing my own two feet.
These aren't your reasons why so don't hold them high like we don't see.

Its the way I know that I'm still breathing

And she said "I'm so happy you said hi back"

I don't know how to do happy...

But when you're around it never seems so hard.

Those somedays we can have

I'm not sorry she's in my life, just that I'm always going to want someone else.

There's still this girl

Superwoman you make me fly with my feet on the ground

...

Dear Blog,

I am going to sin tonight. Forgive me...

And be prepared for details.

Yours Truly,

 alliknow

... 3 years ago

And see I never saw it that way
Through your eyes I must have never been alive
How could I, when you just let me go, walking away
Not a tear to let me know
That maybe you once cared
But I never saw it that way
Not your way
How could I, How could I, How could I
It was always more to me
Then you'd ever let it be
You tried to (hide/disguise) what you felt
But you completely failed
They never saw it that way
How could they when you let it show in every move you made
It's never something we can hide
No matter how you try
But I never saw it that way
But you tried
Take what you can
There's nothing left to give
It's different now because of what once was
Love doesn't need approval from anyone
But you never saw it that way
No you never saw it at all
Girl that's not the way
Please know
I will never see it that way

A

How many people can you love in a lifetime?

Sometimes we look for signs for things we already know aren't meant to be;

to somehow prove that we are wrong;

so we can still hope for that one thing we want

I never wanted this to be the way that you see me

It’s about the time it takes to find your truths and knowing the intermittent between now and then is not wasted or at least that’s what we tell ourselves to sleep through the night.

About the places inside we desperately want to hide but the hope that someone some day will care enough to find them anyway… and chose to stay

About the person you think you should be, the person you want to be and who you are now and the constant struggle to be all three.

About finding love and knowing love and the difference between when to let go and when to hold on with everything you are… and forgiving yourself for second guessing.

About the changes that will come and the peace in knowing it always will.

It’s about life and how we chose to live it

(this is the most genertic shit I have written in awhile)

I swear I'm not crazy I just think that you're beautiful

The beauty of words enthrall my soul

But you will never find my heart through any of them

To easily manipulated

Simple truth buried alive under illusion

Find the things I say with silent lips and unmoving pen

That's where you'll find the beat in me

Just one thing that stays mine

You don't get it
I want to be wanted back
I need to be wanted back
Fuck
I'd move in a second to be with you
But you don't want that
You don't want anything I have to give
And maybe I love her differntly then I love you
(I loved you, I thought I always would)
But I can't always be waiting for the day that you will finally figure it all out
You always told me not to wait for you
But I was
You knew I was
That's just settling now
And I have to remember the promise to myself
Not to settle
Not to wake up years from now unhappy because I didn't think I deserved more
The timing was always off with us
And almost can't be the only thing I ever have
I ache to belong to somebody and have them belong to me
That someone isn't you
Please don't say the words now
Not when you will never do anything about them

The sound of letting go

(I hate that you gave it to her)

It’s so far away now
That someday we pretend can happen
When I hear your voice it’s easier to believe
But I can get so lost in the missing pieces
I don’t know how to finish another day
When I’m barely keeping these demons at bay
And I don’t know how to ask you to stay when I’m still stuck in yesterday
The things that stand tall crumble with pressure
How can I hold this up with unknown promises I can only hope are true

There's this girl...

The sky is raining in all the places I want to be. I'm certian this means we can somehow make them the same place so I can hold your hand as we find all the puddles along the way.