And here it is

One day I thought about you and realized I was in love

But see

I thought about you today and I realized that wasn't true anymore

Apparently

It can disappear just like it came

Suddenly and unexpected but a long time coming

You're still beautiful

And I'm still always going to be

One step behind 

I should have told you a thousand and two times
But I really only needed you to feel it once

I refuse to be sad anymore

Over you

Over her

Over things I somehow think I'm missing out on

Because the reason I'm missing out on them is because I just sit here

I know this and the fact that I'm still here is all on me

Get the fuck up and do something 

Anything

Don't watch as it all goes by when you can be a part of it

That's the only thing to be disappointed about here

Get the fuck over it  

Life bursting into existence
The brand new taking shaky first steps
Light showers reviving decay
There is only beginnings here, too naive to know about endings

Sun and laughter
The heat of the night chasing warm bodies out under the stars
Eyes glued to blinking lights millions of miles away
Surrounded by the sensitive melody of crickets that silence with the slightest of movement

Shades of color the keep us mesmerized
The wind trying to sweep the streets clean
Long walks holding hands under falling leaves
The beauty covers the death that is already here

The ground becomes one shape
Using shovels to create paths, trying to find a way back
Keeping everything locked tight, avoiding the storm
Snuggled in blankets by fireplaces too entangled to notice

The train shutters across the rails all night
Sleep clinging to the walls, awakened with every bump
Speeding is irrelevant on guided tracks
Every shadow is visible as far behind as there is to look
Watch for miles ahead with every glance
But there's no view to see beneath your own feet
Such a mighty existence to be so alone when filled with people

1, 2, 3
Jump
The fall will hurt
But the train won't notice an empty seat
And you shouldn't be staring out windows your whole life

7/19/2012

I really don't like the people we've become to each others lives

After all that was between us

But if you think I'm not strong enough to move on without you

You've never really known me at all

You don't come around here anymore
I hope with everything I have that that means you finally don't need this place to feel alive

My favorite story

There are times when I believe

One day you'll just show up at my door

I will let you in

Unpack your things
And we will be home 

Would you rather someone need you or want you?

There is a difference

because I keep trying to make you into something for me you just aren't 

and i love you in ways i thought were make believe

but i'm not thinking anymore

it's endangering my heart

I'll try for hours to find the exact words to say that can relieve your pain
But know it's because of the time I spent crafting them and not the actual words that means anything

I don't want TRY when it comes to loving you, I knew the moment I saw you I would never forget you

Sometimes the title is the most important part

It's not just for one girl, each one brought me to this place, I miss them all because they are the parts of me I lost

I want to show you the ocean

When you don't know me anymore, know I'll hear the hint of you in wind and waves, and I'll feel your breath in the rush of a swing, regrets only exist with memory, so don't look back, it's the existence of more that keeps us searching, paint me the words to tattoo the sky, let go of the stars I chased for you, use the rope's scars around my neck as caution marks of withered faith, Hope is off chasing a phoenix of gold, and she's fingering the whole in your heart

does regret exist for something you know you're going to do? 

How did you miss it all

The things entrenched in everything I am

It is like a glaring beacon that is painfully bright

Truth is I think you do know

But can't shine in return

And I stay because I know you need a friend

More then anything else right now

And I know that is one thing I can excel at

Your words can't hold me together anymore

I can't tell what you want from this

I doubt that even you can

There's no going back to before

and I still fantasize about futures but I don't believe anymore

There's effort in place now

I'm biting down on those words like I haven't said them a thousand times

I need them to mean something to someone

I've told them all

But none have honestly said it back

I'm deflecting for you

Hanging on to my facade 

But I'm still shattering into pieces

Crumbling into sand

Does expressing love mean anything

When you doubt the functionality of a heart

I don't like the words as much as when I'm writing them for you

Tell me how something so easy becomes this hard
Do you remember all the love songs I wrote where you starred
It's hard fighting against believing I've never know how that word feels

I've met so many people

The ones I like

Annoying ones

Familiar ones

Crazy ones

There are the ones that love me

The ones that can't stand me

The strangers I pass with a nod as I come home

The eager little ones that want to play

The oldest people just wanting someone to listen, passing parts of themselves on to future generations

Evil people, there's less than you think but more than you know

I've met sad people

And lonely people

The confused and hurting people

So many people come and gone, a few that have stayed

And the only thing they all have in common is 

they are not 

You

You are the easiest part of me

And that seems so strange looking at our history 

Everything that has been anything but easy between us

Yet that doesn't change that out of the limitless things I don't know or understand

You being in my life is my future

And I'm not sure about destiny or meant to be

I just know that there will always be a me for you

And a you for me

In whatever way that comes I become content

Love comes in many forms

And we lose so much focused on the love of lovers

We forget

The unconditional bond of two people committed to each other

That need, not to be complete or whole

But to find freedom in that connection 

And romantic love is easy to identify and label

But not many know how to make love to someone without any physical contact

Without need of sexual context at all

  

It grows roots

And you don't really know how it happened 

But now you can't remember anything else

Those things I can't say out loud

Because I don't know how

Or because I'm scared

Or because of the timing

Always the fucking timing 

It slips out sometimes

I almost say fuck it and let it all go

But I reel it back in

Don't wait until it turns into 'too late'