I told the one person that needed to be told the most today. I finally let out my lies. The lies we both knew I was telling. But she listened anyway and loved me as she always has. We went for a walk. My t-shirt, two hoodies and bomber jacket protecting me from the cold but really it was the ice on the inside I was trying to melt. I am a little warmer tonight. I'm not doing test runs with people now. People that can’t do nothing to stop me or call me on it. I let go of my secret to someone real. Someone I see every day. I'm making myself responsible even when I feel like I couldn't support a pillow right now. I'm both relieved and scared shitless about the things I have put into words tonight. Things I have said out loud, out loud to another person. Made real. Proud and Ashamed. Strong and Weak. Such duality fighting within me and I don't want to break. Not this time. I don't have to be invincible but fuck I can't do the escape into sleep and apathy again. I can't be dead except for the breaths I'm still forced to take once again. There's got to be something worth fighting for. Someone. And maybe it doesn't need to be the same person all the time. Maybe it can be the person I need, at that time, for it to be. And maybe some of the time I will even let it be me...
Holy fuck she knows.
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