The train shutters across the rails all night
Sleep clinging to the walls, awakened with every bump
Speeding is irrelevant on guided tracks
Every shadow is visible as far behind as there is to look
Watch for miles ahead with every glance
But there's no view to see beneath your own feet
Such a mighty existence to be so alone when filled with people

1, 2, 3
Jump
The fall will hurt
But the train won't notice an empty seat
And you shouldn't be staring out windows your whole life

7/19/2012

I don't understand why it's so easy for people to walk away from me

I don't want to remember you anymore

It feels pathetic sometimes
All the time
Is that how it's supposed to be?

People always tell me how smart I am

How I have something special 

How I'm meant for more

How I can do anything

All I can think is how much I have these people fooled

I've awaken from every dream I've ever lived

there's so many things i did wrong
and the regrets take over late at night
but something i realized today

for as much as i guard my heart
for as far as i distance myself from people
for how much i hide from my own emotion

every time that ton of bricks has hit me in the head
i have made sure she knows
and that makes the regret not so sharp

i never want to be the person that let the best thing go
because i was too afraid to fail
because i was too afraid of myself
because i was too afraid to let someone love me

I'm not afraid of you 

You and your skittle kisses

Or your mesmerizing laugh

Or the way I have no control of the beat of my heart when you say my name

I love the way you say my name

I love the way I can still taste you on my lips

I love the way you have imprinted who you are onto my weary soul

I love you Maggie

When you read this just remember

Now  

Decoded

i danced on the gravestones of Blackbirds and Waterfalls
my obsession became the vines that (tangled/strangled) the Lion
and i found myself in a Savannah (that was) locked in an ice age
unprepared for the icicles that threatened to impale the Pride
in the desert there is hidden water, in ice there is blue flame

adonis and a mirror
cupid with an arrow
zeus and the lighting bolt to separate the two
Thesis came cantering in holding the power of fire
and a smirk to remain for eternity
sacrificing a liver for time

smells are enticingly solid
simmering together in a blaze
rebuilding and recreating the decaying flesh
its touch on my tongue haunting
there's a burn going down
but at least now there's a compass to point the way

each word embedded across endless sheets
every note tells a story
shinning screens etching worlds into existence
i've lived them all in vibrant color
discover how to stand still for the inferno that will consume me

who knew a Lily could tame the Beast

Things I've learned in the past year or so

(It's been a long year)

+You can feel someone with all your heart but that doesn't mean it's meant to be

+There comes a time when you forget to remember her everyday and no matter how much time passes there are random things that still bring her to mind

+It's okay to stand up for yourself

+Loving someone should not be something you're ashamed

+Breaking somebodies heart isn't as easy as you thought it was from the other side

+Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand in silence and ignore the tears falling down your face, and sometimes you need someone to wipe them away

+The only way to deal is your way, nobody elses ever helps

+Don’t bring your job home physically or mentally

+Time is only helpful after it has passed

+Letting go doesn't happen with force

+You know you've moved on when it stops living in your dreams, both the night and day
versions

+There really are people out there that can give you butterflies every time they say hello

+Music can strengthen the heart and tear it apart within the same song

+Your heart always knows

+It is possible to be friends with somebody you've have been in love with but only after much time has passed and don't count on it.

+Hearts get broken everyday but not yours so don't compare your pain to others, your hurt is just as valid as any other persons out there

+There is someone that will make you genuinely smile again

How am I always so easy to give up?

I don't feel safe with you anymore

(More Half Finished Thoughts)

Who knows if I made the right choice

But I made it

That counts for something... right?

Illusions seem to surround me

I thought of you today
You seem so scared of the happiness

Stop trying to make it okay for everyone else and just be it

She's your reason

There's a certain numbness and a certain joy, they coexist here today

I think it might be fake too

I find it bizarre that nothing seems to surprise me

This of all things should have left me stunned

Instead I'm just a bit sad, a little impressed, and oddly accepting

Like this was inevitable and I was just playing along until the end

But even now this isn't an end

I always have trouble letting go

I'm sorry you hate me

It's something I would change if I could

But you don't listen to anything but your own pain

And all we do is talk in circles

I'm sure I could give into you, at least some

But you won't budge for me

You wanted to wait

I'm sick of waiting

I wonder if someday you"ll understand

If you let go because you're so certain you'll mess it up

You're going to mess it up

It's easy to love someone

The hard part is letting them love you back

I've thought about deleting this stuff too

But someone once told me to never throw any of it out

Even if you messed it up

So I'm leaving it to remind me

Of what I haven't figured out yet

We're not totalled

But we're not okay either

No matter what I let you think

I still see a forever

Just maybe not in this life

All one mess of drabble because nothing I think/feel/do makes any sense, why should my words

(Half Finished Thoughts)

Maybe if you cut out your tongue and I chop off my hands we can make this work

It's foolish and outlandish...

But I've never seen the reasonable reach their dreams

The destruction never really changes anything

But every time between release and shame

There is a triumph

A moment where it feels like it does

The compulsion never leaves

I just keep trying to find something that stands in the way

Inside truth and feeling

Feeling isn't truth

But no matter how much you say you want truth

If the feeling is right, truth will never matter

I can never be mad

Even when it's not fair

It's not the same

But we make it look that way

And you say all the heart swelling things I want to hear

Sometimes I wish you didn't know how

Really wish your words would stop being so perfect when they just feed my delusions

My heart and me

Maybe if you'd stop being so demanding we could find some peace

When did you stop being the easy part

You become a nun, I'll become a mute

Do you ever dream so big you believe your thoughts alone will make it happen?

Insecurities anyone...

I'm so easy to fall in love with but nobody has ever stayed. A fear I have lived with a long time is that I'll never be good enough for someone. Dying alone. It's fine when everyone likes you but that doesn't make going home alone any easier. Am I worth any one's forever?

How many people can you love in a lifetime?

Sometimes we look for signs for things we already know aren't meant to be;

to somehow prove that we are wrong;

so we can still hope for that one thing we want

I never wanted this to be the way that you see me

It’s about the time it takes to find your truths and knowing the intermittent between now and then is not wasted or at least that’s what we tell ourselves to sleep through the night.

About the places inside we desperately want to hide but the hope that someone some day will care enough to find them anyway… and chose to stay

About the person you think you should be, the person you want to be and who you are now and the constant struggle to be all three.

About finding love and knowing love and the difference between when to let go and when to hold on with everything you are… and forgiving yourself for second guessing.

About the changes that will come and the peace in knowing it always will.

It’s about life and how we chose to live it

(this is the most genertic shit I have written in awhile)