There's a welcome mat at the doors of hell

So I'm going back on the pills
And I'm terrified for so many reason that I can't find words for
But I can feel myself slipping
I'm losing it all
I need help
Please somebody help me
If I ask
If I beg
Will you hear me

I stopped sticking my finger down my throat almost seven months ago to the day today
I can still taste the blood
I can still smell the bile
I still miss it
I miss the empty feeling
I miss the sense of accomplishment
It disgusts me how much I miss it
And the freedom it gave me
I have to fight against doing it again everyday

I've given up on almost everything
And the two reasons I have left are the only things keeping me here
I would never take my own life
I'm too much of a coward for that
To afraid of the unknown
It would also destroy the only people in this world that I give a fuck about
But I know how to shut out the world
Recoil into my own oblivion
I've been there before
I cannot remember how I came out of it then
I don't know if I can do it again
I don't know how to believe

So the pills are a last ditch effort to salvage... something
I'm so scared
Scared of what they will do to me and my mind
Scared of what I'll become without them
Am I me with them
But can I survive without them

There will come a point where there is nothing left of me that cares
That scares me the most