My Fucking Hell

(that innocent tone you have when you’re being anything but innocent)

I love everything about you, mind, personality, heart, but I need to take a shallow moment and talk about you body, I see you and all I can do is stare, and not subtly, full on fucking you with my eyes, can you feel my arousal burning through me in just that look, and the most awe inspiring part- that I get to touch you, that you’ll let me touch you… that you want me to touch you, I’m not good at many things, but I know I’m going to spend endless nights, mapping out the enticing textures of each captivating part of your body, the smooth soft skin of your inner thigh as I’m searching for silky wet pleasure, fingers, tongue, our bodies slipping together in our natural friction, I can taste you on my lips even now, feel you tug on my lip, hear your desperate moans shocking me deep and hard inside, the marks you leave on my skin, scratches, bites, your fingers tangled in my hair demanding more, one look at your body and I wonder how I’ll ever let you out of bed.

My heart hurts

Prove me wrong

Can you not see she is scared
You have to have strength for her
She depletes all of hers destroying demons and shadows in her head
This is that part where all your words need to manifest into something tangible
This is the fight you said you were ready for
She's pushing away and you're letting her
Even though she's begging in silence for you to stand with her
And it is lacking practicality that she will not say it
But you are still supposed to understand it
Get the fuck over how you think it should be
Fair only exists in fairy tales and ballgames
And even then (they/there) are misconceptions of happy endings and human perception that get in the way

Fuck This

I hate everything I've been writing lately but I can't seem to erase any of it and I can't seem to push past wherever I'm at. It's a problem.

More then this but still reflecting

This always works better when I'm not writing for you. I miss the stream of words that happen when I'm not trying. I haven't given myself enough to anybody to justify them wanting to stay. But I don't want to be a justification.

But

I do want those slow lazy kisses for wakeing up.
I do want the absolute terror of  jumping out of a plane
I do want to walk on the early morning beach when the sand is still cold and the world has yet to rise
I do want to exist in one of those moments where in the whole entire world there is only you and her
I do want a road trip to nowhere that leds everywhere
I do want the sappy and corny
I do want the crazy and spontaneous
I do want the heart pounding rush of the truly magnificent unexpected
I do want the look that means I want to rip your clothes off right now and the acompaning follow through
I do want that one girl

...to be continued

never knew how to be strong for you

Watched the struggle from the closest view
Never saw anything at all
Too disconnected
I tell myself I would care
If I knew how
How can you touch something and not feel anything at all

Will it still come as a suprise

With shaky heart and unfamiliar hands

I'm offering you what I have

Because you need something

And I'll always try

But it will never be enough

Still we let these wounds bleed

As we stall inevitability

Until there's someone else with untainted soul to take your hand

Because there's parts of this that feel so good

And when you are gone

I want as much as I can remember to keep me breathing

That one last spark to keep me warm with the ghost of your touch

I will take the time if you need someone to listen. Really listen.

I know they say there's no way to help people
Unless they are willing to help themselves
That they have to figure stuff out on their own
But is there really nothing I can do
I wish you would tell me that there was a way I could relieve even just some of the pain

What do you want from me...

I keep trying to find words. They're all very elusive when I can't slow my thoughts. Maybe the reason they're not there is because I'm still trying to hide. Burying the thoughts doesn't eradicate them from existence. Just keeps me that much further involved. I saw a picture of an autopsy and they used a saw to cut the skull open freeing the brain. I wonder if it all escapes then.

My heart is begging for that one to be for me

Clinging to 'I love yous' like it's the only thing we'll ever have

Get out of my head

Fuck it. Who am I really hurting? Myself? I need something more compelling then that to stop this. Tonight I need someone else to be strong for me. I'm too lost in this place. Everyday I don't just seems like another day closer to when I will. Please. I just need something. Anything. Just once. One time. I've never been here enough to care. I don't fucking care.

Old thoughts, new dreams

But maybe I'll take that trains advise

And just feel it

For that one chance

For this one girl

She deserves the world

I'm going to rope her the moon

Just like Jimmy Stewart promised

"I bet you're hard to get over"

Maybe I should be stronger

For you, for us

But resisting you

Seems like every wrong thing in the world

So I follow this path of possible destruction

Because my heart is stuck on don't go

Untitled

(Written for someone but inspired by another)

This rain is washing away my identity of the day

What I let you see

What I let you think you know (about me)

It's how I want you to be

It's easier to have you hate this

Then tell you how it hurts (me)

The rain is dripping with the lies (I tell)

Faces that I wear

I can't seem to remember who they are

Who is this a reflection of

Is that really who I am from the outside looking in

I can hear the rain again

It's drowning out the choices that I've made

Filling up these holes in me

Left by mistake

Please don't let them surface

Time and Distance have nothing on us

All my directions lead to you

There's nothing to be found

Only sights to map out

Touches to explore

What do you call that?

(juxtaposition perhaps)
still startling
it's frequent
but that's easy when searching
a little laugh, almost snort
partial amusement, some delight, undefined grip of the heart
claim on first
'mine' echos everywhere
taken, the other version
leave something behind
please

Bubbles and Superwoman

I dream bigger now
This means bigger letdowns I know
But maybe it's time to stop caring
The safe road is boring