My writing doesn't reveal truths
But layers them in lies

You are the shout into the canyons around me
I can feel you echoing everywhere

I watch the clocks like there's a race being ran
And maybe there is but I can't find the starting line
Everyone is sprinting in different directions
The count of seconds is different relative to my distance from you
The father away I get the more I understand what the ticking was

I don't know how to do this again
But someone keeps picking the single track repeat option
And I still respond to every word
But I'm ready to skip ahead to a different song

With a nod you couldn't see and an answer you don't feel

It was the easy way out

Saying yes to your question

Knowing there'd be no follow through on your part

All this will ever be is words you find late at night

When all I ever wanted from you was something visible in the light 

There's no place for that fairy tale anymore

You keep retelling it though, for reasons I can only interpret as self indulgent

And the days are getting too short for me to believe anymore

Don't get your hopes up for the person who still doesn't realize how bad they hurt you before 

I'm trying to not over think things

Or even think there is a thing

No reading into what I can't confirm

Just let it go as it's going to go

And I'm doing it, fighting against my nature for it

But there is still the thought racing around inside

I miss you still

Stuck in my throat

It stings my heart

The urges to tell you everyday

Falls into nothing but silence

I miss you

"Keep your tongue out of the enemy Teddy"

Yeah

If she asked you would you have been brave

I can't figure out if there's still a question

I wonder if Mother Theresa had regrets

Give me something new to write about

I wonder if anyone ever comes back

"So we're in this bar and I'm talking to this girl. She's really into me and I'm telling her all the things I'm thinking of doing to her and the night is looking good, when this rhino of  a man comes at me ready to spear me with his horn, which now I'm seeing the sexual tension in that comparison and wish I had gone with gorilla and ripping my head off, so this guy has clearly got a problem with me."
"I don't think he liked how you were talking to his girlfriend." Colin supplied
"Or the way she was responding to it." Tech added
"Well how was I to know she had a boyfriend in hearing distance or that he spoke Swedish?"
"She introduced him as her boyfriend." Colin again.
"And we were in Sweden." Tech helped

As much as I have loved before
I know stronger is to come
That both thrills and terrifies me

Trying so hard to be the person I though you wanted, instead of the person you were telling me you needed

Because everything I said wasn't always true

But it was true that I always cared for you

It's not fair because I'm doing my best not to care
I tell myself every night I don't care
But there you are

I will never let you know how many times I cried for things I cannot change

How many times are you going to let them break your heart
In a day, in a week, in a year
Don't give your heart away for free
Don't lock it away hoping for someone to come find it
So many rules for something that when it happens is the easiest thing you'll know
Loving you is the hardest thing I've ever done

How long do I have to fake this for it to be real?

You're sad again
And I'm not supposed to care




But I do...

There's times

Where I have sat in bed for days

Not ready for the answer

I wonder how long we waste 

Afraid of the things we know

And what we could change if we were fearless

I'm not sure if I let go yet
But I'm trying new things
And I'm choosing to be happy
And even if I still think about it, I still think about her,
I'm okay just knowing I once met a girl who gave me butterflies too big to fly
And it's okay that we are going to love on different paths because there is an intersection where I once said hello
And she stayed for awhile

If you're waiting for things to change then follow through

Show them the way

I'm becoming the things you swore I'd never be

Relearning the basics

I once landed on my wrist so hard the bones came jutting out my skin

Only pins could manipulate it back together

There was a rocking chair I held above my head until I dropped it on my face 

A seventy year old hand binned the flesh to a faint scar 

A basketball rolled and every ligament in my right ankle was torn

Plaster held it in place so time could rebuild

On a dare I held my hand flat over a flame to watch a candle burn out

The ointment cooled the charred appendage   

I never cried

Your words burn behind my eyes

Soldering my heart into a straight jacket

I haven't found the doctor with tools to fix that yet

Rushing through seconds

Trying to experience moments

Remember every other breath

Heart skipping to the beat

Not a memory

Or a plan

Life is a combination of feeling

You can never (have/feel) just one