There's so many things I'd write just for you

I chased a white rabbit, hid behind bushes and trees each time he turned around, Every tic of his gold pocket watch echoing through my stance, he wouldn't be so elusive if I could just say hello

I've been thinking about death a lot lately
Not causing it, not dealing with it
But that I'm already dead

I clenched a tack in my fist yesterday
I have yet to feel it

I can't tell if I'm defining myself through other people
Or if I have to use them to simulate feeling within me

Remember that playground ride
Spinning around in circles
Again and again
Faster and faster
Laughing and screaming
It always made me sick
I hated that thing
I rode it all the time

I don't hear music anymore, my ears are tired of all the pictures in the words cause you are in them

...still 

You think love is hard and demanding
Sharp turns and endless tears
The shredding of words over exposed wounds
A new type of instrument for the same reoccurring method of detachment
It's not your salvation but your step by step instruction guide to the architecture of containment

And I thought I could see it that way for you
That we could mask it together
But I can only preform that as a perfected act
Because as much as I see the world in such colorful shadings
This was never something my logical instincts could perceive

There are the things I did wrong
And the things I let go when I knew I should hold on
And I let you down
Sometimes on purpose
Sometimes before I understood that I was
But this is who we are, you and me
And for all my wrongs I have never said 'I love you' to a girl and it be anything but true
And I have never fallen out of love just traded those pieces of me for salvaged junkyard parts and after market discounts
They were replaced and rebuilt with ill fated attempts and misjudged timing
But I can still speed and I remember regular maintenance can relieve some of the high costs I'm required to pay

I still have turtles and zippers and a smell I can't possibly prove but know is yours anyway
And I still get a slight smile when I catch that clock
I remember our talk about lifetimes and universes
It comforts me in moments like this when I stop to wave from this distance

She's not you and I'm grateful for that
There's no fight with who I am just to feel
And I feel more because of that
This is where I want to be

Turtles

Spent a long time loving you
A little less then hallow without it
There was a part of me that was always for you
Letting go of you was the best choice I made
And my mournful regret

...

You're not going to understand this
And I never made the effort to try
But a year ago today we were both on beaches
And they were nowhere near each other
Yet I felt closer to you then had you been whispering your words in my ear
And we were doing separate things
But you were right beside me
And now I am here
And you are there
And I'm doing some of the same things
But this time there is so much distance between us that space cannot remedy
It's not that I want to go back
Just that I'm a little sad about what we destroyed

You or me

Your writing is on repeat
Change out your pen
Dive from a bridge
Scream in a place it echos
Something to rediscover your originality
Don't lose the uniqueness that demands people's attention
You're melting it away for cheap looks
I used to read your words over and over
Memorized by heart
I save you for last now, hold my breath through each new piece
Hoping to feel it again
The surge of anticipation empties out my chest as the words drift around me
Not through me with barbs that dig in to get stuck like when I first knew you

I remember when 3 lines hurt with feeling so much my chest physically ached for days after from the responding pounding in my chest

That's the girl that can make this happen
Find me that girl